The Hopeless Dreamer

Thinking..

2008-08-15T19:08:00.003-05:00

Would you be uncomfortable if I said I love you?
Would you look away if I said, I wanted you to say it back?
Is it selfish to want it, but unable to give anything more than what we have.
Is it selfish to need it, and become possessive and jealous of those you've give it to?
I want to tell you, I can't.
I don't think you'd like it if I did.
I don't think they would either.
Not alot of time
Not alot of reserves.
It hurts sometimes, to know it, but not to aknowledge it.
I'm an inevitable self-destructive machine.
Loving myself, but never liking what I see.
I need sometimes the assurance of those words;
yet crave always the assurance of those hands.
I can't have it I suppose.
Not enough time.
Not enough reserves.
Wish I could.
Wish You could.
I guess I'll just have to wonder for now..

Eww

2008-06-20T09:27:00.004-05:00

I feel like my head is going to float away --- SO stuffed up.. Omg.. just let me die now..
Chuck decided that he was going to deduct the cost of paying my mom for Abby's cheerleading fee's, plus the cost of three outfits he bought, from our agreed upon child support. Now, $50 biweekly is not alot for one child, and I usually depend on that for bills or gas money to get back and forth to work and daycare. Then, NOW, he says he feels guilty? Oh please, give me a break

Hump Day

2008-06-18T10:11:00.003-05:00

It's hump day, have you humped a friend lately?

I had to go an 'all hands' meeting' for work. Yay! I got to sit in a chair and balance a bad cup of coffee with a stale danish while we talked about EBITA and revenue and projected growth. I'm all for growth, but YAWN.

Anyways. I was online last night talking with a super-oober good friend, and I was looking at these incredible hot, incredibly artistic and beautiful pictures on this blog. It's called debauchette, and I will eventually add the link in here. She's wicked cool, a courtesan in London I believe, and a fabulous writer.

I will need to add that link, I just have to share.

Meanwhile, I'm a bit busy, more work :) and some stuff I promised I would do. Have to do what I promised to do, or else why promise at all? Chuck get's the kids tonight, so I am going to be looking into getting the house in order and maybe plan some weekend activities, other than what is already planned.

2008-06-16T20:09:00.001-05:00

My rant on lonliness prompted me to check on Michael's myspace page. He hasn't logged in since october of 2007. I hope he's doing well. I really screwed that up.. didn't I?

Yeah, go me..

2008-06-16T19:21:00.003-05:00

I am.. in limbo, I suppose. Right about now school has finished, and YAY I have a 98%, which brings my GPA up to 3.8.

Work is.. work.

If I manage to get in ontime I will be shocked, at the moment none of my supervisors had said something but I know they want to. I'm just glad they haven't. In the mean time I am staring at the couch I'm currently perched on. There is about three loads of laundry waiting for me to fold them. I should. There's probably about 8 buckets of clothes that need to be sorted, folded or thrown out from upstairs, and I'm STILL not done getting the kids their summer clothes. Then abby and her school clothes?? OMG.. if I actually DID something I might get through it, but.. well, I either spend too much time online or not enough time at home. Ahh, maybe if I can convince my sibling to do it for me? Money makes the world go round right!

On another note, my brother is in Afghanistan right now. He's doing okay, especially since I can now talk to him while he's on yahoo messenger. He's doing some personal stuff too but that's none of mah business.. cause well, those in glass houses don't throw stones right? Not that my personal life is anything to leer over. Hello, no sex in over 14 months? The last time did not end well, nor was it on good terms. Having sex because you -think- your going to get back together makes for bitter bed mates. However, I suppose I'll live.

It can be a bit frustrating, to want what you can't have. What you wish for, you know your just overstepping the lines - and being online as much as I am, well, I guess the lines get blurred. I don't want someone to think I love them more than how a friend loves a friend, but in the same respect, I don't want to lose myself in a seductive conversation that might lead nowhere.
It's fun to dream though, and the temptation is there to get lost, if not for a bit in a good fantasy. Even if it does touch on real emotions, or real feelings, and real people. I just have to be careful. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to be hurt.

No one wants to be hurt, it's scarring, debilitating. I still can't over my own physical appearance, you know what it feels like to be a big girl to begin with, and then suddenly there's shit hanging.. and not like the end of an unfinished conversation! I mean, FUCK those are supposed to be looking all depressed at my age! No fucking way!! Although, I'm sure if i actually signed up for the gym that might fix that.. but.. once more motivation is lacking. Oi, ok, fine, that's my own fault. Heh. I'll get there...........eventually.

Of course, physical appearance aside, I do rock. Let's not get too hung up about it, until I want to get naked with a man and have wild passionate sex. Then I might have a problem. Hello, no lights please?! Let my mouth do the talking and let's just keep my big fat ass out of the deal, k? Close your eyes and pretend if you have to! Well, no, you better not be thinking of someone else dammit!...

See? Nucking Futz.

Like maybe one day I'll find someone who just wants to indulge my need to blab alot, and my need to tease, love, be loved and sometimes to be left the fuck alone. Yes, in person I do like to do things myself alot. Or, maybe that is conditioning. You know you do stuff yourself for too long and you get used to it - anything outside the norm, is just.. wierd.

Not that I wouldn't mind help, I bitch enough when it isn't there don't I?? Contradiction in terms you say? Ah fuck you! Well, no, but like I don't know this? I'm allowed to be dammit! A girl wants it a certain way, she can hold to her standards can't she?

GOD.. I just don't want to be alone anymore..

2008-04-25T16:50:00.000-05:00

How to Bake a Daffodil Cake

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Nothing says spring better than a freshly baked Daffodil cake. This is an old time recipe which features a yellow and white cake. Pretty enough for any spring dessert.

Ingredients

Cake

1 cup cake flour
6 tablespoons sugar
12 egg whites
1 1/2 teaspoons cream of tartar
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup sugar
6 egg yolks
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
1/2 teaspoon almond flavoring (extract)

Glaze

1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
2 tablespoons butter, softened
1 drop yellow food coloring

Steps

Cake

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.
Whisk together flour and sugar.
Beat egg whites, cream of tartar and salt until foamy.
Add 3/4 cup sugar, a bit at a time, and beat until stiff peaks form.
Beat egg yolks until thick and lemon colored in another mixing bowl.
Gently fold into egg white mixture.
Sprinkle flour mixture, about a 1/4 cup at a time, over egg white mixture.
Fold in gently.
Repeat until all the flour mixture is folded into the egg whites.
Pour half of the egg white mixture into another mixing bowl.
Gently fold in egg yolks into the egg white mixture.
Spoon yellow and white batters alternately into a 10 x 4-inch tube pan.
Gently cut through the batter to make a swirled effect.
Bake 40 minutes or until cake tests done.
Invert the pan and cool.
Glaze with Creamy Glaze.

Creamy Glaze

Mix together the powdered sugar, butter, almond flavoring and hot water until smooth.
Drizzle glaze over cool cake.
Serve.

Things You'll Need

Mixer
Mixing bowls
Measuring cups
Measuring spoons
Tube Pan
Oven Mitts

Related wikiHows

Sources and Citations

Adapted from an old Betty Crocker recipe.

Article provided by wikiHow, a collaborative writing project to build the world's largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Bake a Daffodil Cake. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

OMG! THAT WASN'T TUNA!

2008-03-27T12:39:00.000-05:00

Silly Kitty....

2008-03-27T12:32:00.002-05:00

see more crazy cat pics

Dream

2008-03-27T09:15:00.004-05:00

Wierd dream last night, so I have to write it down.

I was in our old house the one on union street with the concrete back yard. I was sitting on our long green brocade couch, naked from the waist up BUT! I was leaning down on my chest with my arms folded underneath. There was a man I've never met stroking my back, like a cat, and playing on the internet on my laptop. I knew my mom and the kids were somewhere in my peripheral, so it couldn't go anywhere then where it was already.

I was content, my skin was soft, and either I wasn't worried about the usual hang ups about my breasts and tummy or I didn't care. It was good.

So onward right, there is this mystery guy, I don't know who he is, but apparently I feel a great deal about him. Fast forward, I'm standing infront of a motel, it's night and it's raining, I'm looking at this place with a desponant attitude and my older sister (Surprise!) is coming out with the room key. Though in the dream specifics aren't said; I got the impression that I was going to be sleeping here as a sort of vacation, to clear my head. That being said I went to open the front door of my room, and right across towards the back, where there was a back door entrance, HE opened the door, and stared at me with this wounded angry expression. I realized at this point I had been set up by my sister to get us in the same room.

Closing the door, I ran around to the back of the motel building, where he was already getting into his van. My first thought was "I didn't think he had a license for here." My second thought was, "damn." So I trudged back into my room, content to waste the night with beer and broken cable - when something caught my attention, fragmented, moving back to the door, I opened it and looked into the hallway.

There he was again. He was tall, with light hair cut short, he wasn't as muscular as I would imagine someone so tall being, but he still was pretty trim, if not a bit wet and scruffy. He sneered at me, and I turned my head away, ashamed, only to glance into the withered eyes of an older man. He reminded me of the old Pimp Don from Kill Bill 2 from South America, and immediately I stepped back. He said he had been told I had been a bad girl, and that I wasn't worth the young man's trouble.

I closed the door, but watched as my mystery man went into the room next door. I wanted to tell him, "It wasn't what you thought, and I don't deserve your anger." However like most relationships I tend to cower, run, or become self destructive of any happiness I might want to have. So I closed the door, and curled up on my bed, content to let depression set in.

Cut forward, it's still raining, and someone is trying to get in to my room. I think it's the old man, or one of his goons, undoubtedly hoping to sell me off to a Mexican whorehouse. Getting up I hear a scuffle, and being that this is a dream, I'm thoroughly prepared to defend myself and high tail it out of there - but wait! My mystery man is coming to my rescue, and he stares at me afterwards as though he's not quite sure what to believe or what to do.

Apparently he had decided that I was worth something to him, because the next instant later we're embracing and on the bed. I can't get into specifics, well, maybe a bit, but it ended in the lotus position (so romantic) and soft little bites on the neck. Well, the rest unfortunately is left to the imagination and the interuption of morning and real life. :)

Uber Cuteness!

2008-03-19T15:35:00.002-05:00

Breaking Ben Lead Singer.. Like.. THERE

2008-03-17T14:29:00.003-05:00

OMG, like, I'm literally 500 feet from the lead singer of Breaking Benjamin. The rock station I listen to. 97.9X is letting Ben 'take over' for like an hour of on air. So, since my work place is neighbors with the station, I can literally look over and MAYBE see like a head or torso, maybe. Depends on where the entrance is. Could I jeopardize my job and hop over to try a better peak? Maybe.. but I won't. *le sigh* You know he would just look at me in a Kiss me I'm Irish T-Shirt and swoon head over heels in love.

It could happen. SERIOUSLY.

Letters

2008-03-15T09:48:00.000-05:00

Firstday - 3 - DarkHowl - 2286

To whom it concerns;

Today was the first day of the rest of my life. Though inconsequential those words may be; tis true. Today was the first day I entered into the Court of Ispin, though as a Bard's apprentice I have no true rank upon the courtiers, still, the sight that I beheld was as awe inspiring. Perhaps more so then the Courts of Verdspar itself! Though truth be told I've never been there.

It started with the usual fair, being shown my room - such a tiny little piece of heaven, though worn around the edges, sparse in it's decor. Still! It's all mine! Though you can't imagine the best part! There is a little window in this room, a window with a tiny sill, and tiny panes. It let's just enough light in when I am writing by the light of day, and can open to allow a warm breeze in when I imagine the weather for it. Does it not sound wonderful? No? Well, perhaps not, person I do not know, but if you happen to be looking out this tiny window, in my tiny section of heaven, you might see why this place holds a spot within such a celestial domain.

There, across the court yard and second balcony, fear not, you've not missed a thing. Now, see that window with the gilt edging? Those curtains that blow so merrily from it's inside? See? Yes, it is the frame of a most beautiful visage. One whose skin seems to radiate purity and light, soft as porcelin I can imagine, with lips full but not too full, and eyes like a summer sky.

His name is Roe, simple enough, but he is the son of the Grand Duke of this fair Court, the very monarch who sits upon it's thrown. The one for which my Master is employed and beholden too. I have to say, person for whom I do not know, his very mannerism takes my breath away. Such divine grace beheld in one elven man! It is unforgivable that one would not be a God onto himself.

Perhaps, though I get ahead of myself, for such obsession will surely not do me well. Let it be said, that I have taken to my studies quite well, and even my Master states my skill will soon out do his own. For this, I can only smile and bow my head, for surely, the Gods have looked down and blessed me, for surely that could be the only explanation of how I came to be here.

Sincerely,

Augustus "Fen" Le'roi

Airday - 2 - Icebreak - 2286

To whom it concerns;

I can not express the amount of joy my position as apprentice has brought me. Yes, it has been quite hard, but my Master, in his old age, has assured me that I will one day take his place as Court Bard. Not to mention as a son of a Courtier in my own right, he has suggested that I start looking to the future, and perhaps begin by building a solid relationship; a marriage that will cement my place within.

Though I know this needs to be done, I still can not dredge up the right amount of enthusiam for the task. Surely there are many beautiful females within the Court, and many seem to linger around me after a particular performance. There is one, a beautiful raven haired maiden, her name is Illisandra, and her voice is as sweet as what music I can surely produce from my instruments. Her father is a Baron, titled for sure, but not a coin to his name - a shame, for truelly she has become a good friend.

There is one reason why my affections have not turned so well, you see, every day I have the utmost pleasure of seeing him. Roe, most beloved of face and form. He speaks with me upon each performance, and I have often caught his eye upon me when I follow at the feet of my Master. He watches me when I dance, I know this to be fact, and there is that glitter in his eye that tells me, perhaps, that for once mine obsession is not as one sided as I had feared.

Still, he could know the depth of affection I have for him, not truelly, not when I gaze out from my little window each night just to catch sight of him. Even when he takes those lovers to his bed, I imagine, for once, that it would be me beneath him. Running my hands through that glorious mane of silken hair, kissing those ripe plums that were his lips. It delights me, and horrifies me, to no end on what scenes I have concocted for just the two of us. Some most depraved, and yet others sweet as they were soft and inviting. Oh Gods, would I have such heaven in mine arms!

Sincerely,

Augustus "Fen" Le'roi

Lasday - 4 - Steelrule- 2286

to mine beloved; whose hands hold mine heart, though he may never know.

Silken whispers of thine words;
embolden hearts with thoughts unsaid.
Upon such sweetened lips, mine kiss,
mine hands, mine touch would part,
to bring seed to these wants, to this form.
flowing, such rich tapestry of words upon your skin,
touching upon those shadows of love's deeper sin.
Could I sin, to be that shadow on your flesh,
to be that hand upon your brow, to be those lips upon your lids.
hearing, such moans of lovers movement, gleaming
in the moonlight, upon rounded limbs of sinners own.
What could I do, to make you see these things,
within mine eyes, within mine soul that your gaze has touched.
agony, to see thine love wilt in these shadows,
to see your hands on silken flesh not mine own!
Such agony, for this love does cleave deep,
penetrating those other senses,
addicting as touch itself, as kiss itself would be.
In betrayal, would you turn against me,
let lovers kiss wilt, like those roses torn upon their thorns.
unbridled lust gives into this aching want,
to see you, to need you, to forget those words,
truth spoken in unkind, anchored in thine vengefull rage.
Oh but if that was passion still for me,
against me, in me, lovers embrace that could not be ripped!
Truelly I would be such boastful swain!

Fireday - 1 - Gaea's Rest - 2286
To mine beloved;

I have decided, from now on, these letters will be personally addressed to you, mine beloved Roe. Tonight, we slipped, unseen into the gardens during the masked ball. I will never forget how the silk of your major domo costume conformed to such sleek limbs. The way the mask drew attention to lips tainted by the very sin of unknowing their true softness - but AH I did learn! Didn't I? How we embraced and laughed, free of things better left unsaid. Your hand wandering upon by back, pulling me tight into that lean frame of yours as our lips met in heavenly clash. It took great liberties, indeed, it stole my very breath with each sordid little whisper you murmured into my ear.

I couldn't image that you had harboed such feelings for me - ME! - so far beneath your station, one would wonder as to the shock of it. I do not care, however, no, not when our bodies danced in a rhythm all our own. Do you remember lover, how my hand slipped beneath your costume's trouser, how it stroked upon your flesh.. caressing that muscular thigh. We danced into the thistles and rose bushes; their smell intoxicating, their thorns felt not for that which would writher in delight beneath! The very sounds you made could make me drunk for hours, when caressing lips slipped upon the exposed region of thine delightful stomach.. to the smooth masculine appeal of one carved hip, sipping from the stem of your seed. Each moan illicited was a musical note to these ears, brought forth with each thick piston of your cock into the warm cavity of mine mouth. I know you to feel the same, far too soon your seed gifted itself upon my lips and tongue, swallowed as divine nectar until I could lick clean the proof of our love.

We were split apart too soon, I fear, for there was no time for parting words, or avowels of love - but I understand if it perhaps is far too fast for you lover. I understand, and cherish the time we have spent together, our own secret, held against mine heart.

Yours,
Fen.

Firstday - 4 - Frostspear - 2286

To my beloved Roe;

I can not help but bemoan the lack of time we have together these past few weeks. It seems the very nature of the Gods has swept in to keep both of us busy. I can not say I blame you for those dispassionate looks you have given me, indeed, they make me shudder to mine core and wish I could simply throw myself upon you! I see your political ambition has finally taken root, and to this I heartily cheer! Mine Noble lover shall be a great and powerful head within this Court, and no elf or man shall be able to corrupt his most awe inspiring power.

My own ambitions have to a beautiful fruition, for I have been given a boon from my Master and lifted to the rank of Journeyman Bard. Very soon, I shall be gifted the title of Master, I can feel it. In other news, I have decided not to marry.. Illisandra is beautiful, but, she does not move me, not as you move me. I'm afraid I might have been quite forceful the other night, when she threw herself upon me and tried to seduce me. Though for sure, mine thoughts and passions can only be stirred by you! I said as much, without giving names. She stormed away, telling me I would rue the day - for sure that I would be threatened by some chit! Still, I will miss her friendship, for surely it was one of confidence and trust.

When will we have time for us lover? When can I feel your arms again? That slip fo thickness against the cleft of my bottom, those sinful kisses and lust filled moans. I say they are addicting! Not something to be taken away in all haste! Ah, but soon my love, we will shall find the time we need, until then, know when I dance, it is for you alone, when I sing, when I play.. everything, mine heart poured into, is for you.

Truelly Yours,
Fen.

Airday - 3 - Wolfmoon - 2287

Roe;

Today is the singular most black day of mine life. My own Master, dead, so young to have been taken by such unexpected strife, and now they look to me to fill his shoes. It could not be worse, but OH it was! To hear of your planned nuptials! To Illisandra! How could this not be known by me? How could this simply not slip past your lips that murmured such of my own nimble skills? Strike my own heart! Find me dead! For surely that is what you have done!

Fen.

-- too be continued ---

Poetry

2008-03-15T09:44:00.001-05:00

This is from a current story in the works, about a man and his Noble lover:

Silken whispers of thine words;
embolden hearts with thoughts unsaid.
Upon such sweetened lips, mine kiss,
mine hands, mine touch would part,
to bring seed to these wants, to this form.
flowing, such rich tapestry of words upon your skin,
touching upon those shadows of love's deeper sin.
Could I sin, to be that shadow on your flesh,
to be that hand upon your brow, to be those lips upon your lids.
hearing, such moans of lovers movement, gleaming
in the moonlight, upon rounded limbs of sinners own.
What could I do, to make you see these things,
within mine eyes, within mine soul that your gaze has touched.
agony, to see thine love wilt in these shadows,
to see your hands on silken flesh not mine own!
Such agony, for this love does cleave deep,
penetrating those other senses,
addicting as touch itself, as kiss itself would be.
In betrayal, would you turn against me,
let lovers kiss wilt, like those roses torn upon their thorns.
unbridled lust gives into this aching want,
to see you, to need you, to forget those words,
truth spoken in unkind, anchored in thine vengefull rage.
Oh but if that was passion still for me,
against me, in me, lovers embrace that could not be ripped!
Truelly I would be such boastful swain!

Spank Me!

2008-02-01T20:38:00.000-05:00

Penitence

2008-01-04T17:08:00.000-05:00

In the vast and open night,
you've cut open these old wounds of mine.
Unconsciounable fear makes you weep,
as blood soaks the yellowed floors.

Have you heard what I said?
Does this act make you whole?
Torn from my lips and casted against me,
you do not seem to hear.

The morrow will bring a plea,
of unneeded words of consolation.
Though it remains my retribution
to keep my blood soaked fingers on your lips,
to stave the sorrow and the remorse,
of acts done in unkind.

Malice gives heed to your moods,
dearest cold-minded love,
as you sink softly into your penance,
of sweetly whispered words

Breaking the Silence

2008-01-04T17:01:00.000-05:00

It is hard to write this,
but there are things that have to be said.
In waning hours I wrote this,
since tonight this remains an empty bed.

I cannot sleep,
I cannot eat,
I cannot function, so it seems.

Things are tied upon my tongue,
Things I'd rather have undone.

These are not your words I speak,
These are the choices that I seek.

I cannot hear it anymore,
I cannot see you as before.
I cannot function, so it seems.

Your image has dissolved before me,
Your face no longer holds it's truth.
Your lips no longer spill it's love,
Your words seem bitter and unproved.

It's hard to write this,
for there are things that need to be said.
In the waning hours I wrote this,
for tonight it seems, I've an empty bed

Poem; again

2008-01-04T16:54:00.000-05:00

dredging up some old poems to post here;

Twilight

It's twilight
the morning before you leave
I'm waiting,
for the words expected of me.

Forget this,
as skin touches skin again.
Remember now,
when hearts beat a joyful sound.

Would you?
Tell them all to go.
Could I?
Believe it lasted more.

Troubled thoughts,
forgotten in passions bliss.
All broken,
as sunlight strikes the kiss.

Twilight,
the morning before you leave

Poem; Leave Me

2007-12-31T23:49:00.000-05:00

quiet creeps upon the room,

as the emptiness fills with it.

oceans of words, but nothing said

nothing said.

just the quiet that creeps.

it stalks.

and preys.

before I hear nothing but it.

Only it.

It screams at me.

Kills me.

Makes me feel like dirt.

quiet, let it creep upon the room.

and let yourself become empty with it.

Empty, never again.

never whole, never here.

Scream!

Scream at me!

before I hear nothing else but it

Only it

You never scream at me.

with me,

Or make me feel like anything else.

It kills me.

The quiet in the room.

and you've let it become,

a scream,

scream,

let me scream,

or let me die, to feel anything else.

to hear anything else.

but the emptiness in this room.

2007-10-25T10:15:00.000-05:00

Ok, it's been a pretty busy couple of months. First, I've finally switched to my new department, but the hours suck. 10am-6:30pm shift.. This means I have to depend on Chuck and my Mom to pick the kids up from daycare at 5:30pm.. and when I get home there's about 2-3 hours of chaos while I try and get them ready for bed. It helps that every other week chuck is taking the kids until 9:30, but it still doesn't leave me enough time in the day. I do get to spend breakfast with them, which is fabulous, but I'm exhausted.

School is going off without a hitch, more work, but I manage to get the work done at work during the day and I upload it from home. The cost of books is extrodinaire. $99 for a math book that I'll never use again, RIGHT. Right Now I am trying to find enough money to get my books, to get clothes for the winter and christmas. Blech.

Thank god for my mom, atleast she understands this bull shit I'm going through and is helping.

Check out my New e-Store

2007-06-27T14:46:00.000-05:00

As you can see to the right, I've opened up an Avon E-Store, this is a way I can get the word out to previous and potential customers. If your an avon-lover, or interesting in seeing what's available, check it out, or at the very least, send me a referral. :-)

My angel's

2007-06-22T13:53:00.000-05:00

White Demoness

2007-06-21T08:23:00.000-05:00

As the World Turns

2007-06-19T08:56:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been awhile since I updated this thing. So, what to say, what to say? For starters, obviously, I'm keeping my job at RCN. Yay! I was promoted to billing lead queu, which is basically the person the rep's call when they can't find the answer to something. It pays $2 more, which will even out for me considering I won't be getting commision anymore. That's okay, as long as I have a job and paycheck. Starting July 9th, I will begin my online courses at Art Institute online. I'm so excited! It's been such a long dream, and I am determined to not to screw this oppurtunity up.

Right now, with the massive exodus that occurred June 6th at the call center, we are dealing with high call volumnes and massive amounts of voluntary overtime. Some of my colleges have been frustrated, due to the lay offs, and the fact that the agents who are taking our place, can't seem to do their job right. It's a common problem, the agents leave as fast as they come in the door, so while you though you addressed a learning problem last week, your addressing it again, only this time to somebody else who just started. Before RCN started to outsource, they experienced the same problem, because their turn around for employee's suck.

I think that's a common problem with call centers, trying to retain their current employee's. Not alot of people choose this as a career choice, to them (and myself) it's just a job, it's a paycheck. So for some, their not putting in the hard work maybe only a third of the company is actually exerting. I like to think I put 110% of myself into what ever job I have, and I will admit, I wanted this job. No more fry cook for me, this job allows me the comfort of sitting down infront of a computer, looking through multiple files and databases, internet connection, a good paycheck.. It's hard to come by in these area's, to find something I like, while looking forward to the future.

Who knows, when I'm done with school, maybe I'll be designing RCN's newest ad campaign, or marketing strategy. Oh yeah, I'm going to school for this type of stuff, Graphic Design, Web Design, Commercial Art.

The credits are $407 a piece. Phew, thank god nothing is coming out of my pocket for the tuition, just the admission fee and price of books. I spent $50 alone on one pyschology book. YIPES! and that was USED! But still, I'm as happy as a clam.

Not to put my kids last, I purchased tickets to take them to the http://www.crayolafactory.com
Crayola Factory, it's a 90 minute drive, but I think a couple hours in that type of environment will be good for them. The following month, I'm going to try for Knoebels, which is free to get in, you just pay for the rides. Despite Chuck having his girlfriend, we've agreed to take the kids together to both places, as a sort of family outing.

Don't let me get started with the situation with Chuck.

Yes, he has a girlfriend, but I don't know how many times he's grabbed my ass, or made some lude remark, or told me how 'confused' he is. I know it's a ploy to try to get in my pants. I'm not stupid. I just wish he didn't have to be such a pig sometimes, atleast for our kids sake. I don't mind being his friend, but that's it, that's all I'd care to handle considering his other preoccupation.

Well, my break is up, Taa!

randomness; red head.

2007-06-16T11:38:00.000-05:00

Commision

2007-06-16T11:37:00.000-05:00

sketch

2007-05-26T19:48:00.000-05:00

The Funeral

2007-05-25T21:00:00.001-05:00

Hello There!

2007-05-15T15:09:00.000-05:00

Well good news and better news, I was asked to stay at RCN until September, with a big fat retention bonus if I don't quit or get fired of $4500. Woo! That money will sure come in handy since, I've made my decision, and come hell or high water, I'm going back to school. I haven't nailed down which school yet, but the financial aide paper work has been filled out already, I just have to submit my application to the school of my choice.

My birthday went off without a hitch, I got my nails done and went to see Spiderman 3. Chuck somehow ended up pissing off all the females in my family, me too, but I tend to be less caring anymore as to what Chuck does. Honestly, I don't need the stress. I think I just need to find someone local to start dating, or no one at all. I sort of pushed Michael to the side, which I didn't want to, but it's unfair to him how I've been so unavailable lately. Nothing either one of us could help, but atleast we still communicate through e-mail.

At the moment, the only difficult thing I'm going through is being broke. It seems I need to make an extra $300 a month to stay ontop of these bills. Not exactly a stress-free environment at the moment, but I always manage somehow to pull something out of nowhere. Here's crossing my fingers.

Updates

2007-05-03T08:15:00.000-05:00

I forgot to mention, about a week ago, we found out sometime in the fall my brother will be shipped over to afghanistan. It was really hard news on my mother, who has been afraid this would happen ever since the war began.

One another note, I've completed atleast four interviews. One I bombed, One I was successful, and one I had to turn down. The reason I turned it down? They wanted me to start 5/14, which, is fine, but I want to stay until my end date of 7/06. If I'm able to do that, not only do I get a 4-week severence, but a $1500 bonus ontop of it. So, yeah, don't want to give up all that money.

anyways. peace.

Iraq; News Article of Note

2007-05-03T08:13:00.000-05:00

By ANNE FLAHERTY, Associated Press Writer
WASHINGTON -

Lawmakers divided over whether to keep U.S. troops in
Iraq are finding common ground on at least one topic: They are furious that Iraqi politicians are considering a lengthy break this summer.

"If they go off on vacation for two months while our troops fight — that would be the outrage of outrages," said Rep. Chris Shays, R-Conn.

The Iraq parliament's recess, starting this July, would likely come without Baghdad politicians reaching agreements considered key to easing sectarian tensions. Examples include regulating distribution of the country's oil wealth and reversing measures that have excluded many Sunnis from jobs and government positions because of Baath party membership.

Talk of the adjournment comes amid a heated debate in Congress on the pullout of U.S. troops in Iraq.

President Bush' name=c1> SEARCHNews News Photos Images Web' name=c3> President Bush this week vetoed $124.2 billion legislation ordering troops to begin leaving Oct. 1. Failing on Wednesday to gain a two-thirds majority needed to override the veto, Democrats were expected to begin negotiations Thursday with top White House aides on the next step.
Numerous possible compromises are being floated on Capitol Hill, all involving some combination of benchmarks. The key impasse, however, is whether to require redeployments of U.S. troops if the benchmarks are not met.

Democrats contend that initiating troop withdrawals will pressure Iraqis into making the necessary political compromises. Republicans say the Iraqis could still refuse to work together and the consequence would be a blood bath.

The only area of agreement between the two sides is that the Iraqis are testing their patience.
"That is not acceptable," Sen. John Warner (news, bio, voting record), R-Va., said of a two-month recess. "An action of that consequence would send a very bad signal to the world that they don't have the resolve that matches the resolve of the brave troops that are fighting in the battle today."

Added Sen. Ben Nelson (news, bio, voting record), D-Neb: "I certainly hope they're not going to take any sort of recess when the question is whether they're going to make any progress."

Republicans and Democrats themselves remain gridlocked on how far to go to force Bush's hand on the war. When asked about progress made on bipartisan cooperation in Congress, House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (news, bio, voting record), D-Md., declared to reporters Wednesday there had been "discussions about talking" but nothing more.

Congress leaves for four weeks each August and takes a week off, sometimes more, around prominent holidays. Lawmakers frequently adjourn for the August recess without reaching agreements on important legislation.

However, sectarian violence continues to rage in Iraq. In one particularly devastating attack, a bomb struck the Sadriyah market last month, killing more than 120 people and wounding more than 140 more.

More than 3,350 U.S. troops have died in Iraq. April was the deadliest month for the military this year.

The violence in Iraq and lack of structure in the new government are partly to blame for the slow political progress. For example, getting a quorum among Iraqi politicians can be difficult because a number of top Sunni legislators do not spend much time in Baghdad due to security reasons. Parliament leaders are also still struggling to impose party discipline among their rank-and-file members.

The Iraqis have been able to reach consensus in some areas, but not necessarily ones that would calm sectarian violence.

On Monday — the same day Rep. Ike Skelton (news, bio, voting record), D-Mo., issued a statement urging the Iraqi politicians to reconsider their summer break — the Iraqi parliament called for a ban on U.S. troops near a holy Shiite Muslim shrine. Protests were led by the radical anti-U.S. Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr's bloc after U.S. and Iraqi troops conducted a raid near the shrine.

Updates

2007-04-25T13:37:00.000-05:00

Well, I had an interview at Network Solutions today. Got all excited. There was a pretest, and they said to move on to the next phase in the interview I needed to score 40% or higher. I guess it was an attitude test and I scored 25% on one field, out of like NINE and they didn't want to interview me anymore. WTF is that?? How cold can you be? Are you telling me, if I got 100% in all other fields, and just 25% in one, you'd still not consider me?? I have two and half years experience in the field and your not even LOOKING at that, you trust a computer print out over what you hear and see.

Whatever.

I have 2 interviews on tuesday, and one on friday, my birthday. Hopefully something comes out of it. All this time I'm taking off is UNPAID, so something better come from it.

"Breaking" News

2007-04-18T09:29:00.000-05:00

I have convinced chuck to purchase tickets to the Breaking Benjamin concert for both of us; So, he, I, and his GIRLFRIEND will be going on June 2 at Montage Mountain. He needs to schedule the time off first, and I need to make sure I have a babysitter.. but hell or high water, I deserve this. On another front, the job search continues.

Everyone that I have applied to online, was at a job fair on monday. I gave them my resumes, looked them in the eye, and pleaded, without words, for them to hire me. I think, I hope, I made a good impression. I also saw an old friend, my old boss from Pizza Casa.. she is an Avon Lady.. and now, suddenly I am??

I haven't worked out the details, but we'll see how that works out.

Here is the News from RCN

2007-04-13T13:26:00.000-05:00

I-Team Investigation: R-C-N Former Employees Speak Out
Reported by: Amy Bradley 04/12/2007 10:43pm

Stefania Steransky says she was understandably upset when word came last week that her position at R-C-N would be cut come June. "I got my laid off notice saying my last day was June 8th and we were getting a severance pay of one month and we were able to collect." But just two days after getting word her job was on the chopping block she was fired. "Friday, I went into work. Everything was going well. A girl actually I work with got fired at three o'clock and then I got called into the office at 4:30."

Steransky says her bosses told her she had avoided a customer by transferring a caller. A claim she disputes, but says even if she did, the normal procedure would be a verbal and written warning before being fired Steransky says "I just think I got fired because of them not wanting to pay us our severance pays."

Steransky's co-worker Dana Almy thought he was safe. He had made it through the layoffs. "They kept me because my numbers were great. Out of three hundred people active on the front line of customer service representatives, I was 12th."

But Almy says R-C-N claimed he also avoided a caller And fired him. He says by doing so, they saved the company money. "Actually, I was 15 days away from getting 1-thousand dollars from R-C-N because a friend of mine who worked there referred me and I was a top performer for six months.

Both Steransky and Almy had undergone performance reviews just two weeks before being fired. Both had been given favorable scores, even raises. Steransky says in February, she was one of only five people picked to go and train new employees in South Carolina.

Now, she says she realizes the people she trained are ones who are replacing her position. When the layoffs were announced, R-C-N spokeman Mike Houghton made a promise. "This has been going on to figure out how to do this in the most humane fashion and to make sure we take care of the interest of our employees."

We tried to contact R-C-N about the firings. We were promised a phone call back, but instead recieved this statement by e-mail. "While it is R-C-N 's policy not to comment on individual employee matters, we can say that we expect that each of our employees will appropriately take care of our customers. They are taught, and continue to be taught that in all of their rcn training." Both Steransky and Almy are now scrambling to find work. They're hoping by speaking out, they may be able to stop others from also finding themselves out the door, sooner than expected.

Job Search

2007-04-13T12:57:00.000-05:00

So, now I am on the road to finding a new job, and let me tell you, I hate change. I like where I'm at currently, my bills are paid, my kids go to a o.k daycare..

So I started putting out resumes on www.monster.com and http://www.pacareerlink.state.pa.us/ as well as different websites. I've applied to Bank of America, Travelocity, Verizon Wireless, Collection Agencies, anything with 'customer service' functions. I abhore factory work, mainly because I can't stand for long periods of time. I guess the weight I packed on and having those kids kinda put my spine in a weak position. I can always go back to food industry.. not, plus I doubt I'd make enough to pay my car payment.

So Bank of America called, and they pay pretty well, the only problem I might run into are the shift hours. 12pm-8pm is a little bad for me, means I'd have to find a different daycare, and the drive would take me an extra 20 minutes to and from. We'll see how that works out, my 'pre-interview' is on my birthday, of all days, 5-04.

Now, scheduling time off may be a problem. My work, since they now know I will no longer be in their employ as of july, has seen to it that any vacation time I have scheduled prior to being notified of these lay-offs, that may put me over the 48 hr mark, is changed to VTO (Voluntary Time Off) so it means, that 1.) All the time I scheduled off for appointments will now be unpaid. 2.) trying to get time off for interviews now will be next to impossible.

Two bumbling idiots who work here, because they were fired straight out, decided to go to the local news station and tell everyone how bad RCN is. Ok. well, I'm not exactly thrilled with what RCN is doing, and I have alot at stake here, but, these people were fired for legit reasons.

The one just blind transferred someone without even asking what they needed or dealing with the call, the second one I'm told he hung up. Something to that extent, never trust gossip, but now it's all over the news and I'm wondering why the news station would even take them seriously. All it is, is a bunch of disgruntled employee's. Get over it, move on.

News

2007-04-05T12:14:00.001-05:00

Almost 300 call center employees will lose their jobs as RCN Corp. trims costs by outsourcing work done at its Plains Township facility.

Officials of the Herndon, Va.-based communications company told employees Wednesday, saying the work would transfer to third-party call centers in the United States as RCN seeks to improve efficiency in an increasingly competitive market.

About 300 workers will remain in the Plains Township facility, including information technology, customer service and some other back-office activities.The layoffs are the latest setback in a period of tough times for RCN, which provides cable, telephone and Internet service in select metropolitan markets.

Ten years ago, RCN thought it could be to communications what Microsoft is to software.“The ’90s were the heyday for them, when they had a unique product and were facing Baby Bells and cable companies who were just starting to improve their networks,” said telecommunications industry analyst Jeff Kagan. “Today, it’s a tougher market with more competition and declining prices.”

Once in the forefront of the industry, RCN was the first to deliver the so-called “Triple Play” — bundled high-speed Internet, television and telephone service on one wire. For a time, RCN owned C-TEC, then-parent company of Dallas-based Commonwealth Telephone.

Now the highly leveraged company faces a new breed of competition from phone and cable companies.Like many communications companies in the 1990s, RCN borrowed heavily and overbuilt its network, lacing promising metropolitan markets with fiber optic lines.

The so-called dot-com crash battered the company heavily.

By the time RCN began brushing off its financial woes, the competitive landscape had changed. Incumbent cable television providers such as Comcast began offering their own bundled services. More recently, telephone companies such as Verizon Corp. started cross-selling satellite television service with line-delivered phone and Internet service.

“They are copycats who stole our business model,” RCN spokeswoman Lisa Barder said. “But we are holding our own and working really hard.”

In May 2004, RCN filed for bankruptcy protection, emerging in December 2004.The company posted a net loss of $11.9 million in 2006, following a net loss of $136.1 million in 2005.Late last year, the company hired the Blackstone Group with the intention of identifying a buyer for the company, but that effort does not seem to have generated much interest. Though it was unique in the 1990s, RCN’s network today is just another line on the utility pole.

“The opportunities for them so vibrant in the 1990s are gone,” Kagan said. “There may not be an out for RCN.”

Approximately 300 RCN employees will be laid off gradually starting in June and will receive severance packages of at least one month’s pay and one month’s paid health insurance, company officials said.The average tenure of laid-off employees is two years, RCN spokeswoman Lisa Barder said. The company will have on-site job fairs featuring other local employers with call centers, she said.

©The Citizens Voice 2007

Down the Proverbial Toilet

2007-04-04T12:29:00.000-05:00

Well, it's official. RCN will be laying off a substantial amount of it's employee's in the Wilkes-Barre Call Center.

Too bad this is where I work, and I've been given notice that on 7-06-2007 my job will no longer be here.

Nice huh?

Let's just say, I'm freaking out a little bit.

Well, maybe ALOT!

They decided that they can get cheaper service from new-hires in South Carolina and the Phillipines then actually put out the money for actual competance.

Vitari; Character Picture

2007-04-01T19:31:00.000-05:00

Commision; take 4

2007-03-26T18:19:00.001-05:00

And... another one

2007-03-24T17:52:00.000-05:00

Lily and Jim

2007-03-24T11:36:00.000-05:00

another random piece

2007-03-24T01:08:00.000-05:00

Venus McBeth

2007-03-23T21:24:00.000-05:00

Gideon - Were-Cat

2007-03-21T20:02:00.000-05:00

character portrait for a friend.

My Weekend

2007-03-19T10:28:00.000-05:00

I just love it when I don't remember my weekend. Example; This weekend. I spent the entire time in my room with a raging migraine. I'm telling you it's not normal. I woke up saturday with it, and went to bed sunday. Chuck had the kids and helped, which I appreciated, but I still feel like road kill. Now I'm at work and I just want to die. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Dream Dream Dream

2007-03-16T08:14:00.000-05:00

Last night, I had a dream Ben Affleck followed me home. I have to admit, I'm pretty hot stuff in my dreams. This one started at a charity event in New York, and he followed me home, which ironically looked like the old bungalow home my Aunt Vickie had on her property in Duryea.

I'm not even a Ben Affleck fan, but he was persistant and sweet, and really really hot.

Makes me want to go back to bed...

So, having time at work, I googled Ben!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Affleck

I also must mention that in the dream the only reason I even ran circles with a celebrity was because I was at some big knob charity event. Then I see my horoscope which reads;

A desire to make the world a better place fills your heart. You've got just the know-how and stick-to-itiveness to actually put your desires into action. Start small, and look to your community for places that need help.

So, maybe it's trying to tell me something.

Sign up for Charity to meet Hot Rich guys?

Hmm, possibilities, but I have my hands full at the moment, so I'll pass.

I also googled dreams and their meanings;

http://www.dreammoods.com/

The Libes Libation: Quarterly Review

2007-03-15T12:16:00.000-05:00

The Libes Libation: Quarterly Review

Naga

2007-03-15T07:33:00.000-05:00

Personal Drama

2007-03-14T13:04:00.000-05:00

You know I've been busy the last couple weeks, and I just haven't had much time to sit down and talk to anyone. This has been neglectfull to Mike, which I regret, but sometimes I'm just too tired to pick up the phone when someone calls. Now, I'm at work, and I get an e-mail from Mike telling me that Chuck CALLED him and said we were still sleeping together.

WTF!!!!

I am so pissed. As I've said before, Chuck has been absolutetly POISON to any relationship I have ever had. He says I'm not being completely honest with Mike, but wtf, what business is it of Chuck's? I think he wants me to admit I'm still madly in love with him and can't live without him.

Yes, I want Chuck around, for the KIDS , and I like having another adult in the house occassionally, but this does not make me want him back in a relationship living in the same house. and this is just another example of why I can't have any personal attachments.

I just can't help but think how hurtful this is to Mike, even if it's not true, and how this makes me as a grown adult look when I continue to let Chuck do this to me. How stupid I look and how many times I ignore the fact that I should have cut him off completely along time ago.

Moon Fairy

2007-03-09T21:39:00.000-05:00

Dragon. Grr you are crunchy and fun to eat with Ketchup

2007-03-03T22:54:00.000-05:00

Another Red-head

2007-03-02T08:36:00.000-05:00

Another Picture; You like?

2007-03-01T08:45:00.000-05:00

The day in a life of a Goddess - Fiction.. well, sorta.

2007-02-27T14:17:00.000-05:00

The day in the life of a Goddess, not a small thing, and I've been known to be one of the less active deities.

So, anyways, here I was, dreaming of sweet little angels and hot demi-gods, when this annoying little sound penetrates my subconscious. Who would dare to disturb the rest of a Goddess? I mean really.. didn't they know I could earth quake their ass into the next continent? Prying my eyes open, I turned to realize my soothing, birds chirping in the morning alarm clock, had been switched by a mechanism from hades itself. The thing whined and chirped even as I threw atleast three good god-bolts at it. Finally, laying broken on it's side, it decided to give up the battle. Alas, though, the damage had been done.

I was up.

Pulling myself up, I found my silken cloud sheets had twisted about my feet, dissipitating into an ugly mess of snakes and gorgons that fell in a heap at the foot of my bed. Groggily, I blinked my eyes, trying to center myself.

Ugh, Phobo's hadn't even crested the horizon yet, what was I doing up so early? Bleerily I scouted for my clothes, bypassing the food stained toga's for a clean pair of jeans and t-shirt. This would have to do, I told myself, stumbling into the bathroom before the demi-gods of the Temple awoke.

As I looked into the mirror, scented water ran into the basin of my sink, and my eyes befell the glorious perfection that was my hair.

Crap.

You never see Aphrodite having bad hair days, so why was it I was stuck for a good fifteen minutes just brushing? Maybe I should cut it off, I mused, checking my teeth before a sound caught my attention.

Like the hounds of hades, the pitter patter crescendo'd through out the Temple halls, walls shook with the magnitude of what passed, and old single woman clutched their toy-poodles tightly to their chest in fear. Yes, I smiled with pride, for everywhere I was, people were reminded of the powerful little minions I wielded with a tight, military style regimen.
Well, that's what they thought atleast. I preferred fiction to liven my day.
Turning, I only had time enough to brace myself as the two demi-gods of destruction entered the Temple's bathroom.

The first born, daughter, twin to my soul. A Demi-Goddess of Destruction in the most covert way. She could destroy your reservations with a single bat of those long lashes, tear down your walls of denial with a few uttered words. Her reign when she reached full God-hood would be memorable.

I would hopefully be retired and living in a God-assisted community by then.

The second born, son, key to my heart. He was Chaos in the most literal sense. Only eighteen months old, and already he had fell major cities (of blocks) and destroyed countless treasures (like my new 42" plasma TV... fried, because of a misplaced cup of apple juice).
They swarmed in and around me, and in a flash of light and sound, I scooped up my beloved goons, fed them the marshmallow goodness that was kid-ambrosia (twice the sugar) and piled them into my Chariot.

Cripes, my Chariot!

I stood before what had once been a great vehicle of heavenly procession. It was to be driven by six road-hungry horses. detail paint along the wheels and hood. What was before me was a travesty of the heavens. Two horses, one sway backed and glassy eyed, stood tethered to the behoumeth that was my chariot. Though it's size was impressive, the wheels spun from being unbalanced, as though to mock me and mine. I could not stand and gape, but pushed my minions into the contraption, sitting for another fifteen minutes as my great steeds stretched and warmed their tired, aging muscles.

We were off!

While Phobos finally crested the hills of our blessed valley, I dropped the minions off at minion-day care. Where all little demi-gods learn to be great citizens of our pantheon.
My work began as it usually did. Performing miracles, fullfilling wishes, damming the unfaithful. Want your bills trimmed down? Sure! Need help with your kids? I'm here to help. Revenge on ye old boyfriend. I'd love to! (Looks at Boss, backtracks) Hmm, maybe I should refer you to my sister.

My followers adored me, worshiped me, threw petals at my feet every time I went to copy a document. Acolytes sang praises and let presents of untold wealth pile at my desk for the remainder of the day. Too bad it all ended at Five.

Tearing myself from the work that defined me, I floated to my chariot, immune now to the splitting paint along the side, or the suspicios key scratch against the inside. Work always left me refreshed, and mobile, and ready to face another day.

(Who was I kidding?)

Picking up my little minions, was another job in itself. You see, at the end of each day, there is a fine dance that Goddess and Minion Daycare workers.

"Your son destroyed another city again, and he keeps making the younger gods sit under neath him. "
"So? " Wasn't he supposed to be learning leadership skills?
"Underneath him, as in, he sits ON them. "
"Oh..."

"Your daughter on the other hand, was wonderful. Honestly Ma'am we don't know how such a sweet little thing could be rela...-- " I watched the worker pause, then rethink.

Somehow the conversation turned back to my son.

Minutes dragged into years, but I stood strong, standing regal in the face of my opposition. In the end, they bowed their heads to the greatness that was I.

"So, as agreed, we'll have councilling sessions next week?"

"Fine.." I grumbled.

Whisking my under-estimated minions back into the Chariot, we flew (sputtered) home. I decided tonight, I would have the messangers delivery our evening ambrosia. After all, it's not like I had to worry about my figure. We goddesses never gain weight! It was a blasphemy to even think of such a thing. Luckily, the Temple had been deserted of followers that evening, leavin moi alone with my rumalations and hell-ment demi's. I wondered, as for the tenth time I put the Ancient Tomes of Romance back onto their shelf, why I destined to a life of mediocrity? Where was the big stuff? Why wasn't I the one throwing thunder bolts? Why wasn't Hephaestus running to my aid to fix my car? What did Aphrodite got that I didn't? And when was Ares going to finally give me back the negligee set he borrowed three nights ago? Did I forget to order ranch sauce with my chicken?

After my deep, chocolate covered soul searching, the minions finally fell into an exhausted sleep, dreaming of destroying worlds and universes, smiles on their perfect little mouths. Me? I fell into the feathered-goodness that was my bed of beds. Phobo's had called it quits hours ago, and my Temple had been attended to by all those hundreds of adoring worshippers. Not a speck out of place, not a book on the floor, or dishes unwashed. The universe was at peace, because, I was at peace. The world sighed.

Ahh
Bliss.

That's when I finally woke up.

Weekend

2007-02-26T09:54:00.000-05:00

I did absolutetly nothing this weekend. Yep, sat on my ass and got a migraine. If that's possible. I think it's from the amount of pepsi I drink, lord knows my widening seat has seen enough of those yummy liquid carbs in a bottle. Ok.. so I did laundry. and redid laundry when everything white came out blue. I've just been so tired latetly. I go to bed early, get up at a decent hour, and I'm still exhausted. Michael got pink eye again. I freaked. Lysol everywhere, plus a script called in sunday. I did visit my sister, ate some burger king.

I should own stock in fast food.

Blech. Gag

My mother and sister are still arguing. This time because my sister spends her money on tanning 4 days a week. Must be fun to be able to tan. Meanwhile I remain the white whale all year long. Oh well. Doesn't pay to be jealous of my sister. Nope.

I'm still stuck on what picture I want to draw next.

Sighs

2007-02-23T14:03:00.000-05:00

Well, another day. My eye's were red as tomato's the past two days, so I took time off to go to the eye doctor. To be told "Looks like your eyes are irritated". Woo! Give the man a Doctorate!
I talked to my mom the other day. She and Antonette (mah sister) had another arguement (big surprise)

What get's me, is that my sister has the audicity to feel she is justified in slapping my mother like a five year old. Yelling at her, telling her she's the cause of everyone's problems, and then telling her to leave. I seriously question the blood relation my sister and I have, because had it been me, I would not find it necessary to belittle the woman who is paying your rent and utility bills. The woman who gave herself hernia's helping you to take care of your three kids, doing your children's laundry, helping with the meals and school. My sister, however, feels the need to hold a man who is consistant with his degrading opinion of my sister and her lifestyle; to stay up at all hours of the night and sleep when your kids are running rampant or getting off the bus. To scream that she's the only one doing anything in that house.

The last part kills me.

Think about it, all you single parents of the world.

Are you NOT the only person doing those things?

After all, it's her 3 kids she's picking up after. It's her 3 kids she's making dinner for. It's her 3 kids making a mess in the living room. It's her 3 kids she's doing laundry for. Last time I checked, My mom stopped raising kids around six years ago. Well, most of us anyways.

Meanwhile, I hunt for clothes at once a year when Uncle Sam pays me back for working all year. While my sister, who hasn't worked in three years, is shopping every other day at Aeropostle.

Does anyone see a problem here!!!!

Another article of note

2007-02-20T16:08:00.000-05:00

If you know me, and maybe you do, and maybe you don't, you know I love to balance a budget.
Any kind of budget. I will tackle it with glee. I am not a math geek, and I hate algebra, but give me a shopping list and a spending limit and I will go 'HALLEJUHAH! "

I guess it stems from growing up with mom who had to learn to stretch her budget for four kids. When you grow without or almost without, you learn the comforting presence of a paid bill is almost better than sex. (ALMOST now don't go overboard!)

I'm also a Taurus, which means I love all types of beautiful things. Beautiful things to wear, beautiful things to look at, (beautiful things to EAT!). So, I know, to get what I want, I need to juggle alot. Especially on a tight budget and two kids. At this juncture in my life, I'm still young, but I've accumalated small things that mean alot. A nice kitchen table, nice curtains, nice furniture (that needs to be cleaned) and a nice car. Ok, their not tricked out, or uber-expensive. Actually alot came from close-out stores and dollar general's, but they are visually appealing to me. I still have alot to go before my house doesn't look so hodge-podge, but what is there, I know I bought it, and it's mine free and clear.

So, anyways, onto my point. Here's a good article about the urban myths of finance. Something every budget-juggling mom should know!

http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/SavingandDebt/ConsumerActionGuide/10FinancialUrbanLegends.aspx

Updates

2007-02-19T12:40:00.000-05:00

Well I finally tugged my car out of the snow, and finished my income tax shopping. I got a new desk chair, new curtains, new coat. All my bills are paid and michael's bed should be delivered today. A couple downsides? Haven't had much time to talk to michael, but hoping I can make up for it in e-mails. Chuck has been nice in helping with putting up the new shades, fixing stuff at the house, pushing my car out of snow ditches. I purchased a new desk at Staples which I LOVE but it couldn't fit in my car, so now it's sitting there until I find a way to pick it up. I almost had a caniption fit when the delivery man came by my house today at 9:30am.. he said he would be there EARLY AFTERNOON and Chuck went to the house so he would be there for it. The guy almost didn't want to come back, but I immediately got on the phone and started questioning the logic of that (hence stern voice).

I got my copy of the "The Dream Hunter" book by Sherilyn Kenyon this weekend too. Loved the book, main reason I got it was to try to guess at the future heroine of the character Acheron who has a continuous role in all the book's thus far. You'd have to read the other books of the series to see what I mean. Her site and book list is one of the links on the site.

Now, I'm stuck as to the next picture I want to draw. Any ideas?

Winter Woes

2007-02-14T09:19:00.000-05:00

8 inches of sleet and ice outside, and I'm biting my nails hoping I don't get fired because I can't get out of my drive way. Where are my tax dollars when I need them??

My Weekend

2007-02-13T11:32:00.000-05:00

So this weekend had some pluses and some minuses. The plus? Michael came to visit me! We spent Saturday at the mall, and Sunday at home. Sunday was a bummer because the entire night I had a killer migraine. Retired to bed early around 8:30am. Before you asked, nothing happened. We shared some light kissing and cuddling on the couch. That was it. The kids made sure of that.

The minus? My refund did not come in like it should have. Not only did I not have money for a babysitter or going out, but my account got over-drafted and I was ducking my landlord. Not pretty! I am making a new art project, winter-oriented for a new art community I joined through elfwood. In another week it should all be finished for your inspection, so keep checking back!

Urban Myths; Chain letters; Illegal Aliens recieving Social Security benefits

2007-02-08T15:32:00.001-05:00

Ever get one? Here's a link to the truth behind the chain letter.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/immigration/socialsecurity.asp

Article of Note

2007-02-08T15:18:00.000-05:00

Motley Fool
Tax Cheats Are Out to Get You
Tuesday February 6, 9:40 am ET
By Dayana Yochim

Itching to get your due from Uncle Sam? There are plenty of folks -- legit and otherwise -- who will happily help you get a faster or bigger refund. My advice? Don't fall for any of the come-ons, no matter how tempting they sound.

The best-case scenario: You'll pay triple-digit interest rates to borrow your own money for a few weeks. Worst-case: You'll share a jail cell with the con who promised to sweet-talk the IRS on your behalf.

Loathsome but legal

The most common tax-time pitch is the "instant refund," which gives you access to your refund money to tide you over until the IRS sends the official check. In 2004 (the most recent stats available), one in 10 taxpayers got a short-term refund anticipation loan (RAL), according to the Consumer Federation of America and the National Consumer Law Center.Although RALs are offered by legit businesses, the loan terms rival those of the neighborhood loan shark. Small fees ($30 here, $59 there) add up. On the average refund this year ($2,150), forking over $100 to cover loan costs puts your effective APR at 178%. (No, that's not a typo.) Add in admin fees and you're looking at a 235% APR. (Again, not a typo.)

The hidden fees and misleading marketing of RALs have gotten two tax-prep giants in trouble with the law. A few years ago, H&R Block found itself staring down the business end of a class action lawsuit for neglecting to reveal e-filing, loan document preparation, and administrative fees that could triple the cost of a customer's loan. Just last month, Jackson Hewitt agreed to pay $4 million in consumer restitution for similar abuses. (FYI: Both companies still peddle these products, though probably with more frank fee disclosure.)

Need speed?If you really can't wait for your refund check, consider e-filing your tax return. (The average fee for electronic filing is $23, according to the National Society of Accountants.) It's interest-free and fast -- boasting a turnaround time of three weeks or less. If you prefer the hard-copy filing, you can shave off several days of waiting by having your refund electronically deposited into your bank account.

Scams, shenanigans, frauds, and fiendsDon't put your guard down after you dodge the RAL rigmarole. The cons are out in full force, too. Typical ploys falsely promise to reduce or altogether eliminate your tax bill. (See also: "I've got some valuable swamp land in Florida I'm willing to part with for a song.") The "zero wages" and the mysterious "form 843 tax abatement" schemes, for example, encourage filers to falsify information on legitimate IRS forms in the hopes that a blizzard of paperwork will distract the Feds.Other scams encourage taxpayers to illegally hide income in an offshore bank or brokerage or move money into a tax-exempt supporting organization or a donor-advised fund while still maintaining control over the money. (Both no-nos.)

Also beware of phishing scams where ne'er-do-wells pose as IRS agents or other legitimate financial institutions (notifying filers of an audit or outstanding refund) to get taxpayers to reveal personal financial information. Click "delete" ASAP. The IRS doesn't email. Anyone. Ever.
If headaches, fines, prison, and steep penalties are your idea of fun, then go ahead and sign on the shady dotted line. If you do fall prey to any of these scams or suspect tax fraud, report it to the IRS via Form 3949-A. Here are some tips on staying on the right side of the law with Uncle Sam.

Mailbox mayhemAnd, finally, this entry comes from the "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you" file. Christmas for fraudsters starts in January. That's when information-rich tax-related documents begin to snake through the postal system. According to CNET, about 8% of identity theft cases are linked to mailbox breaches.
Keep a watch on lock-pickers by keeping a running list of everyone who pays you -- employer, banks, brokerages, etc. (Here's a simple way to organize your tax paperwork.) Check off the names as soon as you receive a copy of what they filed to the IRS. Track down docs that are missing in action by mid-February by contacting the original source.

Dayana Yochim honed her street smarts on the mean streets of her childhood stomping grounds in Lawrence, Kan. She teaches financial offense and defense with the Motley Fool Green Light service (check out the free 30-day trial right now), which includes hands-on advice about making every dollar a worthwhile investment. Wax on. Wax off

Something else that's Funny

2007-02-07T10:05:00.000-05:00

INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1.Conversation 8.0 no
longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried
running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to
download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But
remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the
background, that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot
Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Something to Cheer me up

2007-02-07T09:32:00.000-05:00

Eternal embrace? Couple still hugging 5,000 years on
Tue Feb 6, 1:28 PM ET

Call it the eternal embrace.

Archaeologists in Italy have discovered a couple buried 5,000 to 6,000 years ago, hugging each other.

"It's an extraordinary case," said Elena Menotti, who led the team on their dig near the northern city of Mantova.

"There has not been a double burial found in the Neolithic period, much less two people hugging -- and they really are hugging."

Menotti said she believed the two, almost certainly a man and a woman although that needs to be confirmed, died young because their teeth were mostly intact and not worn down.

"I must say that when we discovered it, we all became very excited. I've been doing this job for 25 years. I've done digs at Pompeii, all the famous sites," she told Reuters.

"But I've never been so moved because this is the discovery of something special."

A laboratory will now try to determine the couple's age at the time of death and how long they had been buried.

Pissed and Frustrated

2007-02-07T08:55:00.000-05:00

You'd think I'd have atleast one good day, but no, somehow the Gods have decided that's not for me.

So yesterday wasn't too bad, I survived work, managed to get there on time. 2 more days until Mike and my refund. So, going home, I decided to stop at turkey hill to pick up some iced tea. Nothing big, 2 minutes, I'm in and out.. I also decided to empty the trash in my car. So distracted, I didn't notice until after I've gotten back in the car that my keys are missing.

It took me 40 minutes to figure out I'd thrown it in the garbage and the assistance of a very nice employee to pick through it. Meanwhile. I'm literally one block away from the daycare.

I call Chuck.

BIG MISTAKE.

I'm nicely told that 'I can't help you, I'm busy with my friends and we're watching a movie'. Amid snickers and screaming at me how stupid I am.

Not like I'm humiliated enough. Not like I'm freaking out because I'm late picking up OUR kids and the daycare is closing soon. Sure, let's set our priorities to SODA and a MOVIE.

I'm so sick of doing this all the time. Sure he's there occassionally and handing me money, but WTF? I don't even get to 'sit at home with my friends' because I have none to go to. And if I did, they have to come to my house because I'm too busy not having a babysitter to even think of going. My mother can't watch the kids, Chuck may offer but ask him, go ahead. Guarantee the day I need him I'm given a curfew. He offered to watch the kids when Mike comes down, but I know better.

Meanwhile I'm stuck trying to find my keys I threw away because I'm tired and not thinking straight. My back is killing me, my teeth are rotting out, my job is in jeopardy because of all the time I'VE taken off for my kids. Do you think Chuck has attendance warnings?? Meanwhile I get things told to me like 'If you need money let me know." Oh sure..

SCREW THE MONEY I WANT A WEEK OFF! Like he get's, like everyone else gets. I love my kids but at some point I WILL THROW A FIT. So If I'm a bitch or abrupt, OH FREAKIN WELL!!

Money & Mike

2007-02-06T11:28:00.000-05:00

3 1/2 more days until both my income tax check and Mike comes in. On the same day, probably at the same time. I hope he doesn't show up at 8 in the morning when all I have are eye crusties and pajama's to greet him with. Let alone my house is wrecked............ eh.......... I'll get to it later.

BTW I just met Chuck's new girlfriend. Cute, funny. Chuck thought I would start drama when I visited him to see his new furtniture.

I LOVE THAT GIRL !!

snicker.

Sea Nymph

2007-02-05T13:53:00.001-05:00

Light My Fire

2007-02-05T12:45:00.001-05:00

found a new author, Gena Showalter. Her books are hot!

Weekend

2007-02-05T12:43:00.000-05:00

I had the weekend off plus friday, and I made myself stressed! 4 more days and michael will be visiting me, and I haven't even scratched cleaning my house. I think I got something accomplished and turn back to find it's all dirty again. *sigh* I also lost my wireless pen for like 2 days *cries* I found it in the trash and then stayed up until 3 am drawing this lady up there. Like her? me too.

Article of Note; http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/31/opinion/31bamford.html

2007-01-31T14:14:00.000-05:00

Op-Ed Contributor
Bush Is Not Above the Law

By JAMES BAMFORD
Published: January 31, 2007
Washington

LAST August, a federal judge found that the president of the United States broke the law, committed a serious felony and violated the Constitution. Had the president been an ordinary citizen — someone charged with bank robbery or income tax evasion — the wheels of justice would have immediately begun to turn. The F.B.I. would have conducted an investigation, a United States attorney’s office would have impaneled a grand jury and charges would have been brought.

But under the Bush Justice Department, no F.B.I. agents were ever dispatched to padlock White House files or knock on doors and no federal prosecutors ever opened a case.
The ruling was the result of a suit, in which I am one of the plaintiffs, brought against the National Security Agency by the American Civil Liberties Union. It was a response to revelations by this newspaper in December 2005 that the agency had been monitoring the phone calls and e-mail messages of Americans for more than four years without first obtaining warrants from the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court, as required by the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act.

In the past, even presidents were not above the law. When the F.B.I. turned up evidence during Watergate that Richard Nixon had obstructed justice by trying to cover up his involvement, a special prosecutor was named and a House committee recommended that the president be impeached.

And when an independent counsel found evidence that President Bill Clinton had committed perjury in the Monica Lewinsky case, the impeachment machinery again cranked into gear, with the spectacle of a Senate trial (which ended in acquittal).

Laws are broken, the federal government investigates, and the individuals involved — even if
they’re presidents — are tried and, if found guilty, punished. That is the way it is supposed to work under our system of government. But not this time.

Last Aug. 17, Judge Anna Diggs Taylor of the United States District Court in Detroit issued her ruling in the A.C.L.U. case. The president, she wrote, had “undisputedly violated” not only the First and Fourth Amendments of the Constitution, but also statutory law, the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act. Enacted by a bipartisan Congress in 1978, the FISA statute was a response to revelations that the National Security Agency had conducted warrantless eavesdropping on Americans. To deter future administrations from similar actions, the law made a violation a felony punishable by a $10,000 fine and five years in prison.
Yet despite this ruling, the Bush Justice Department never opened an F.B.I. investigation, no special prosecutor was named, and there was no talk of impeachment in the Republican-controlled Congress.

Justice Department lawyers argued last June that warrants were not required for what they called the administration’s “terrorist surveillance program” because of the president’s “inherent powers” to order eavesdropping and because of the Congressional authorization to use military force against those responsible for 9/11. But Judge Taylor rejected both arguments, ruling that even presidents must obey statutory law and the Constitution.

On Jan. 17, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales unexpectedly declared that President Bush had ended the program, deciding to again seek warrants in all cases. Exactly what kind of warrants — individual, as is required by the law, or broad-based, which would probably still be illegal — is as yet unknown.

The action may have been designed to forestall a potentially adverse ruling by the federal appeals court in Cincinnati, which had scheduled oral arguments on the case for today. At that hearing, the administration is now expected to argue that the case is moot and should be thrown out — while reserving the right to restart the program at any time.
But that’s a bit like a bank robber coming into court and arguing that, although he has been sticking up banks for the past half-decade, he has agreed to a temporary halt and therefore he shouldn’t be prosecuted. Independent of the A.C.L.U. case, a criminal investigation by the F.B.I. and a special prosecutor should begin immediately. The question that must finally be answered is whether the president is guilty of committing a felony by continuously reauthorizing the warrantless eavesdropping program for the past five years. And if so, what action must be taken?

The issue is not original. Among the charges approved by the House Judiciary Committee when it recommended its articles of impeachment against President Nixon was “illegal wiretaps.” President Nixon, the bill charged, “caused wiretaps to be placed on the telephones of 17 persons without having obtained a court order authorizing the tap, as required by federal law; in violation of Sections 241, 371 and 2510-11 of the Criminal Code.”
Under his program, President Bush could probably be charged with wiretapping not 17 but thousands of people without having obtained a court order authorizing the taps as required by federal law, in violation of FISA.

It is not only the federal court but also many in Congress who believe that a violation of law has taken place. In a hearing on Jan. 18, the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Patrick Leahy of Vermont, said, “For years, this administration has engaged in warrantless wiretapping of Americans contrary to the law.”

His view was shared by the Senate Intelligence Committee chairman, Jay Rockefeller of West Virginia, who said of Mr. Bush, “For five years he has been operating an illegal program.”
And Senator Arlen Specter, the Pennsylvania Republican who is the ranking member on the Judiciary Committee, noted that much of the public was opposed to the program and that it both hurt the country at home and damaged its image abroad. “The heavy criticism which the president took on the program,” he said, “I think was very harmful in the political process and for the reputation of the country.”

To allow a president to break the law and commit a felony for more than five years without even a formal independent investigation would be the ultimate subversion of the Constitution and the rule of law. As Judge Taylor warned in her decision, “There are no hereditary kings in America.”

Today has to be a good one

2007-01-30T09:14:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday wasn't such a good one. I get to work, all good.. locking down the 'man' when I get 'please call your daycare'

I guess michael was puking and had diarehhea. Gross! The worst part is, this is the third time in as many weeks I've had to go to my supervisor to leave work. First, it was pink eye; then it was a fever, now this. To top it all off, we got home and he was fine! Didn't puke, had no diarehhea. he ate lunch with me and drank 7-up (doctor's orders) Gah! Now I have the worst migraine on the planet. I convinced the kiddies we wanted to go to bed at 8pm and zonked out. This morning I feel better, and the kids are definitetly well rested.

I did see two rainbows on each side of the rising sun this morning, so please, please God, make today a good day, okay?

Working on an Aneurism

2007-01-27T19:34:00.000-05:00

I love my life. I repeat this every day. Getting up at 7am (okay it's 7:20am) and rushing to drag my children out of MY bed (the expensive themed bed sets I got each one isn't good enough to sleep on) and rushing out the door by 7:45am..

pulling up just in enough time to get on the phones and listen to people bitch about their bills.

pulling change out of my ass for the vending machine, which should NEVER be expected to give you what you want immediately. It either gets stuck or takes about five minutes to drop.

Then getting out of work, going about eighty miles an hour to pick up the kids because god forbid I'm late.. wouldn't want to pay a late fee. Like it's some sort of library or movie rental place.

Oh by the way, I just did my taxes. I paid out 17% of my gross income to daycare alone.. AND THAT'S WITH GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE! What is wrong with that?? I have to work to put them in daycare, and I have to put them in daycare to work. SOMEONE IS MAKING OUT!

So, anyways, I get the kids home, and it's quarter to six. I essentially have two hours to make dinner, do what ever laundry is needed for the next day, MAYBE even clean before baths and bedtime. Which, bedtime at this juncture is optional. The kids usually fall asleep on the couch or something until I'm ready to go upstairs.

One day we might make it to our OWN beds before 9pm. Better mom's would scold me, but eh.

I can't even think of the fact that Abby will be school age next year and she can't count past five. I want to sit down with her and show her how to write a letter, but half the time something else has me.. Like michael, or laundry, or staring off into space. I was thinking I'd buy some activity books for her to write in at the kitchen table..

OH WAIT ! I DON'T HAVE A KITCHEN TABLE!

Grr. just add it to the list.

along with ; new fridge, new dryer, a box spring that isn't cut down the middle, and an actual bed for michael with lots and lots of gates! (to keep him in his room and away from the staircase)

So now their asleep and I might be online. Fearing to go to sleep, because it means it all starts over again.

If anxiety doesn't kill me off, anxiety will.

My Little Angel

2007-01-26T08:57:00.000-05:00

I couldn't leave out my sweet-pea, isn't she just the cutest thing with pink wings?

My Little Devil

2007-01-25T09:45:00.000-05:00

My little devil, isn't he cute? Checking on the angels and what mischief he can get into

Some people

2007-01-23T13:25:00.000-05:00

Yes, your going to tell me 'OMG another post involving chuck' So sue me, alright. I have two kids with the schmuck and five years. If it wasn't for the bitterness involving the break up we'd probably be good friends. Well anyways. Chuck has a son by an ex-girlfriend. Someone he was with for nine months and left before finding out about her being pregnant (so I'm told) now you can speculate whether he knew or not, but nothing was said for two years. It was assumed the man she was dating was the father, because, well, hello, most woman don't wait that long to let someone know they have a son. If they do, there's usually ulterior motives. (in some cases, there is NO ulterior motives IE rape, abusive relationships) which, I've been with chuck, so I know none of those reasons had to apply. Anyways.. so, two years, and Miss Ex's boyfriend dies, she has a little girl by this fellow so, going on welfare, gets social security for her, and BAM hits chuck upside the head with child support. Now, chuck pays it, yes, he does not shurk that duty. It's automatically withdrawn from his paycheck every month. 200$ smack a roo's. That's twice as much as I was able to get for our daughter. Anyway, the first year after that there didn't seem to be a problem with chuck visiting his son, especially after we split the first time. Then, when I moved back in with my mother, it seemed to peeter out. I blame chuck for not staying on top of things, but I also blame Miss Ex for deliberately making things difficult.

Now, she puts up a blog on myspace about removing pictures because chuck refuses to remove pictures of his son from his space. She says he's a 'sperm donor' and to 'leave us alone'. That's nice, considered sperm donors have the benefits of not being sued for financial responsibility, and considering earlier in the year, he had asked her to visit his son.. and she came back with several big fat 'no's' I told chuck, he needs to start cracking down on this. This is his son, and to stop trying just because your presented a 'no' by someone who has no right to say it in the first place, isn't really trying. It's either share the responsibility and know your son, or let her roll over you and take what you got for nothing in return. And yes I'm leaving her name out of it here, out of respect for privacy. Her posting it on a public blog, is another matter.

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=70800594&blogID=221005215

Sick

2007-01-23T09:14:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning sick, but I still went to work. My throaght is clogged, my nose is stuffed and I feel like sleeping. I can't take off any more time until like.. march, or else I jeopardize my job. To top it off, chuck is trying to give me a guilt trip about my plans for febuary. Gahh! just leave me alone! I've already been accused of talking about chuck too much, and this is why! I can't get a moment's peace about anything, and when I think I will, it's just a big fat lie because eventually the whining and crying starts up again. I know that sounds cold, and uncaring of his feelings, but I worked four years to make him happy.. and wtf, no point in crying over something that is done and over with. God knows, if we get back together, we get back together. We're never going to be totally out of each other's lives.. but give this to me, this one iota of privacy in my own personal life. Let me see if someone can make me happy where someone didn't. If it makes you feel like shit, well, I'm sorry! I really am! but.. dammit, leave me alone about it! Go stew somewhere else because your dripping on my make-believe happiness!

Another dream

2007-01-22T15:21:00.000-05:00

Another dream last night, again involving mike. This time I had handed the phone to my sister, and for some inexplicable reason she felt it was necessary to tell him that he was the last person on a list of 'would be suitors' etc etc.. and then that started a big fight. I don't like fighting, but I will if I have to. The ending result? I dressed up like some leather-clad she-warrior and began swinging a huge sword, with the reminder from my mother 'straighten your back dear, push those puppies out.. ' I keep having day dreams about a possible story I want to write. I always have daydreams about stories, but they only ever get half written.

Here's the story that's been in my head. This is chapter one. Now, the prologue is about 3 chapters long in my mind, because the main characters have met before.. but this is what came to me while working. Let me know what you think, and if has a future. :-)

Smoke drifted in lazy curls around the seated figures, the clink of ice in glasses breaking up the monotonous sounds of breathing and low murmuring. Elly peered speculatively at the figures opposite her, fingers curled around the playing cards she held. It had been hours since she had entered the establishement, hoping against hope she would find a way to win back the money Uncle had squandered. Now, the endless drone of other club members seemed to drown out the conversation around her, until she felt the trickle of sweat slide down her shoulder blades.. and pool at the nape of her neck.

"Your go lad.." a rough, whiskey laden voice called, bringing her back to the present. With a start, she looked down at her cards, drawing upon a blank expression as she glanced at what she had been delt.

Garbage.. it was all garbage. For not the first time that night, she felt panic well up inside her, but she tapped it down with years of training, fixing her lips into a brief smile for show. The gravel and paint that was smeared on her cheeks, felt stiff when they moved, though it all went with the disguise of being a young lord. What ever it took to gain entrance to these gaming hells, she vowed, peering again at her card mates. Carefully, as she had done before, she opened herself to the energy around her, feeling a vortex of whirling chaos bombard her from every direction. It made her senses reel, so much that she was quiet for some time as she sorted out where everything was coming from.

There, the man to her left.. Lord Crowley, his dissatisfaction rolled off him in waves. To his left, a young runner with milk white skin, his smugness seemed to grow with each card he wad delt. She'd have to watch him. Turning her face carefully, she picked at the emotions that came from each opponent, her uncanny ability to absorb and interpret the emotions of others letting her know when to bluff, and when not to. Of course she would never have gotten in, if not for the help of her friend Jacob, but where had he gotten to?

Biting off a sigh, she displayed her cards, hearing the groans as a sound of satisfaction. Of course, she wasn't a fool, and tried to convey a sense of fair play to each of the players, so they didn't grow anxious or angry with her apparent winning streak. Cheating? Of course, but she thought the dire straights her family was in called for every arsenal she could muster.

The beginnings of a headache began at the edges of her vision, signaling an end to her dealings. That was fine, since she had more than enough to pay off the house debts and buy food for the next month. Waving off, she stood, pulling the thick overcoat across her shoulders to shadow most of her features and lanky form. That's when she felt the pecular sensation of being watched, a feeling so intense her neck tingled, and the hairs on her forearms warned in warning. Discreetly, as she waited for Jacob's return, she maneuvered herself into the shadows, glancing through a haze of pipe smoke at the thinning crowds of gentleman and rakes that patroned the establishment.

Well, she couldn't see anyone directing a stare at her, so carefully, she opened herself up again, trying to pin point any interest or hostility directed her way.

Nothing.. Nothing.. There! Her eyes flew open, glancing towards another corner of the billards room. Straining forward, she kept within the boundaries of the shadows, brows furrowed in study.

The man reclined on a high backed chair, a glass of what appeared to be scotch sitting on the side table besides him. Glancing at his shoes, just about the only thing visible from her vantage point, she noticed the expensive looking gleam they sported, as well as tailored grey trousers cut in the latest fashion. The torso itself, while trim looking beneath a white shirt and waistcoat, was half in and out of the light, so she only got a 'sense' of the way he filled out his jacket.. and the casual grace in which he reclined. Lifting her eyes, she noted the faint outline of a strong, masculine jaw, though the rest of his face receeded into shadows.

Tapping her fingers upon her folded arm, she pursed her lip, somewhat perplexed in what his interest in her.. well, him was.

"Ready then?" Elly heard the spirited tone of her companion, and started, so deep in concentration she had not sensed him arrive. Turning her head, she winced, feeling the headache renew it's vigor.

"Yes, most assuredly. " she murmured, handing him the notes that would be transferred into currency by one of the [manager of a hellclub]. Standing, she half turned, trying to gain another look at her 'admirer' while Jacob began to usher her towards the door.

That is when she had the luck to see the man lean forward, and two things occurred at that instant as he face came into focus.

One, Jacob began to argue with the [hell club manager] about transferring the notes into currency; apparently guests of members were not allowed such a privledge until they signed up for member ship.

Two, Elly gasped, a hand flying to her mouth as recognition and an sharp pain sliced through her brain, the raised emotions of those around her cutting her in two from the inside. Closing her eyes tight, she felt the floor begin to buckle beneath her, or were those her knees? As darkness began to descend, and she faintly realized she was going to faint for the first time in her life, she dimly saw the figure stand.. all that masculine power and beauty she remembered so well moving with a predator's grace straight at her. Her last thought before she slipped into an unceremonious pile on the floor? ; How beautiful his eyes still were, and how cold.

What does a girl have to do?

2007-01-21T19:41:00.000-05:00

I just finished two pictures with my new tablet. I think I'm getting the hang of it. I may never draw an ordinary pencil drawing again. On another note, Chuck finally had his own place. It's not the best, but it's not a complete loss, and it's cheap and down the road. He feels depressed about it, I feel optimistic. He see's it as a clear end to us, I see it as a my road to privacy. Although I still have panic attacks when I can't seem to get a minute to myself with the kids.. but.. he's just down the road. What could go wrong?

He's promised to be nice while I'm on the phone with Mike. So we'll see how far that goes.

In other news, my mom had surgery last week. They removed a whole hell of a lot of hernias. Gee mom, having a bad day would you think? Of course, that doesn't stop her from getting into a yelling competition with my sister, and I wonder why her health is turning on her.

18 more days and Mike comes down to visit. He confessed he's more nervous about the first meeting then me. I tend to not think about things until the last minute. Keeps the stress down, then I just run around all pissed off and talking a mile a minute. Since my one and only baby sitter has bailed, I now have to figure out how to get some alone time with him with the kids in the next room. Chuck offered... but I can't see asking my freshly broken up ex coming over to watch the kids while I run out on a date. Uh-Huh. not going to happen. nope.

I did find this neat website. Complete with classroom tutorials on the basic principles of art, drawing and a whole bunch of reference materials.

http://www.wetcanvas.com/forum/

check it out, it's really cool. I love it already when I downloaded a PDF on clothing folds.

Lost Oppurtunities.

2007-01-18T10:15:00.000-05:00

I have this new tablet, which I have been wanting forever. Chuck got it for me, as a sort of 'Look at me! I have money! Take me back! ' sort of gift. I love to draw, as much as I love to write. maybe more so, since a drawing tablet is more portable than my computer spell check (hand write, are you nuts??). Although I think some skills improve with practice, I can't help but continue to peruse other artist works and envy their ability to draw things I'll never have a grasp on. Like backgrounds, foregrounds, detail work in clothing and jewelry. Then I get e-mails about going back to school online from the Art Institute Online. That would be awesome.. but even for online courses, when do I have the time? Let alone the money for enrollment fee's and gaining financial aide? If I did manage to cough up the dough and find the appropriate grants/scholarships, when would I have the time to even think about studying, or working? I get up at 7am, drop kids off at 8:00am, pick them up at 5:30, get home by 6pm, and dinner, baths, laundry, dishes.. that takes me well into 10-11pm.. by then I'm exhausted, and weekends are devoted to making up the time I didn't have during the week. Maybe one, or two classes.. to get me back to basics. Something that would look good on a resume at the same time build my artistic basics. Something that would only need 2-4 hours devotion a week. I like reading on my off time, so even then I can do homework or study.. I'd even like taking writing classes, and history.. so many things.

I loved school so much, not for the social interaction, and definitetly not for the math, but because of the gratitutious praise when I got something right, or the constant bombardment of new facts and pictures.

Sighs and continues to doodle in her worn out drawing pad.

Anxiety; Dreams

2007-01-18T09:48:00.000-05:00

It's been about five months since I asked (screamed) at chuck to leave my house, and now I'm in the process of inviting someone new to take a look at my life.. and see if there isn't something worth persuing. Now, since I haven't really severed my ties with Chuck, it's getting me anxious. I know.. alot of my family have told me. Why not just make it so he can't come over period? Why do you let him in when your not home? I don't know, but you have to understand. I love chuck, we've had five years and two kids together. Nothing will change the connection we've made over that amount of time. Granted, there has been alot of negative connections, but the positive ones are that we've made a family together.

So I convey this to him, try to let him know that, even though I may be exploring other relationship options to make me happy.. it doesn't mean I will exclude him from my life. He is the father of my children. I will do my best to make sure his happiness (that which does not involve me) is maintained, that he has me as a friend and that I do not lock my door to him when he needs it.

Of course, this may cause problems. since I have already had arguements with chuck about someone else being in my house. Of course, being the 'ex' he's not thrilled. I understand that, and he's being very understanding - to a point. Which again, shows restraint, atleast for my well being. It's not like the other guy is moving in. He's just staying the weekend.

So, this fueled a dream, in anticipation of my friends arrival for our weekend together (yes the children will be there, with the exception of a few hours for some time out on saturday).

It started with my house suddenly sporting more rooms than I can remember ever having, and my 'friend' moving into one of those rooms. It also happened that Chuck came in, and while he restrained himself from comment.. it was around the time I left Chuck with the kids to go lay down on the bed with my 'friend' and embrace (mild embrace for such a dream) that Chuck came in.. ranting, screaming at my 'friend' who became visibly uncomfortable. It all became a big mess, because as I withdrew something to do with my kids distracted me.. and I was never able to return to the one room where my friend was waiting.

I somehow know this is going to blow up in my face and I'm going to end up hurting someone more than I ever intended.