Would you be uncomfortable if I said I love you?
Would you look away if I said, I wanted you to say it back?
Is it selfish to want it, but unable to give anything more than what we have.
Is it selfish to need it, and become possessive and jealous of those you've give it to?
I want to tell you, I can't.
I don't think you'd like it if I did.
I don't think they would either.
Not alot of time
Not alot of reserves.
It hurts sometimes, to know it, but not to aknowledge it.
I'm an inevitable self-destructive machine.
Loving myself, but never liking what I see.
I need sometimes the assurance of those words;
yet crave always the assurance of those hands.
I can't have it I suppose.
Not enough time.
Not enough reserves.
Wish I could.
Wish You could.
I guess I'll just have to wonder for now..
Friday, August 15, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Eww
I feel like my head is going to float away --- SO stuffed up.. Omg.. just let me die now..
Chuck decided that he was going to deduct the cost of paying my mom for Abby's cheerleading fee's, plus the cost of three outfits he bought, from our agreed upon child support. Now, $50 biweekly is not alot for one child, and I usually depend on that for bills or gas money to get back and forth to work and daycare. Then, NOW, he says he feels guilty? Oh please, give me a break
Chuck decided that he was going to deduct the cost of paying my mom for Abby's cheerleading fee's, plus the cost of three outfits he bought, from our agreed upon child support. Now, $50 biweekly is not alot for one child, and I usually depend on that for bills or gas money to get back and forth to work and daycare. Then, NOW, he says he feels guilty? Oh please, give me a break
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Hump Day
It's hump day, have you humped a friend lately?
I had to go an 'all hands' meeting' for work. Yay! I got to sit in a chair and balance a bad cup of coffee with a stale danish while we talked about EBITA and revenue and projected growth. I'm all for growth, but YAWN.
Anyways. I was online last night talking with a super-oober good friend, and I was looking at these incredible hot, incredibly artistic and beautiful pictures on this blog. It's called debauchette, and I will eventually add the link in here. She's wicked cool, a courtesan in London I believe, and a fabulous writer.
I will need to add that link, I just have to share.
Meanwhile, I'm a bit busy, more work :) and some stuff I promised I would do. Have to do what I promised to do, or else why promise at all? Chuck get's the kids tonight, so I am going to be looking into getting the house in order and maybe plan some weekend activities, other than what is already planned.
I had to go an 'all hands' meeting' for work. Yay! I got to sit in a chair and balance a bad cup of coffee with a stale danish while we talked about EBITA and revenue and projected growth. I'm all for growth, but YAWN.
Anyways. I was online last night talking with a super-oober good friend, and I was looking at these incredible hot, incredibly artistic and beautiful pictures on this blog. It's called debauchette, and I will eventually add the link in here. She's wicked cool, a courtesan in London I believe, and a fabulous writer.
I will need to add that link, I just have to share.
Meanwhile, I'm a bit busy, more work :) and some stuff I promised I would do. Have to do what I promised to do, or else why promise at all? Chuck get's the kids tonight, so I am going to be looking into getting the house in order and maybe plan some weekend activities, other than what is already planned.
Monday, June 16, 2008
More
My rant on lonliness prompted me to check on Michael's myspace page. He hasn't logged in since october of 2007. I hope he's doing well. I really screwed that up.. didn't I?
Yeah, go me..
Yeah, go me..
I am.. in limbo, I suppose. Right about now school has finished, and YAY I have a 98%, which brings my GPA up to 3.8.
Work is.. work.
If I manage to get in ontime I will be shocked, at the moment none of my supervisors had said something but I know they want to. I'm just glad they haven't. In the mean time I am staring at the couch I'm currently perched on. There is about three loads of laundry waiting for me to fold them. I should. There's probably about 8 buckets of clothes that need to be sorted, folded or thrown out from upstairs, and I'm STILL not done getting the kids their summer clothes. Then abby and her school clothes?? OMG.. if I actually DID something I might get through it, but.. well, I either spend too much time online or not enough time at home. Ahh, maybe if I can convince my sibling to do it for me? Money makes the world go round right!
On another note, my brother is in Afghanistan right now. He's doing okay, especially since I can now talk to him while he's on yahoo messenger. He's doing some personal stuff too but that's none of mah business.. cause well, those in glass houses don't throw stones right? Not that my personal life is anything to leer over. Hello, no sex in over 14 months? The last time did not end well, nor was it on good terms. Having sex because you -think- your going to get back together makes for bitter bed mates. However, I suppose I'll live.
It can be a bit frustrating, to want what you can't have. What you wish for, you know your just overstepping the lines - and being online as much as I am, well, I guess the lines get blurred. I don't want someone to think I love them more than how a friend loves a friend, but in the same respect, I don't want to lose myself in a seductive conversation that might lead nowhere.
It's fun to dream though, and the temptation is there to get lost, if not for a bit in a good fantasy. Even if it does touch on real emotions, or real feelings, and real people. I just have to be careful. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to be hurt.
No one wants to be hurt, it's scarring, debilitating. I still can't over my own physical appearance, you know what it feels like to be a big girl to begin with, and then suddenly there's shit hanging.. and not like the end of an unfinished conversation! I mean, FUCK those are supposed to be looking all depressed at my age! No fucking way!! Although, I'm sure if i actually signed up for the gym that might fix that.. but.. once more motivation is lacking. Oi, ok, fine, that's my own fault. Heh. I'll get there...........eventually.
Of course, physical appearance aside, I do rock. Let's not get too hung up about it, until I want to get naked with a man and have wild passionate sex. Then I might have a problem. Hello, no lights please?! Let my mouth do the talking and let's just keep my big fat ass out of the deal, k? Close your eyes and pretend if you have to! Well, no, you better not be thinking of someone else dammit!...
See? Nucking Futz.
Like maybe one day I'll find someone who just wants to indulge my need to blab alot, and my need to tease, love, be loved and sometimes to be left the fuck alone. Yes, in person I do like to do things myself alot. Or, maybe that is conditioning. You know you do stuff yourself for too long and you get used to it - anything outside the norm, is just.. wierd.
Not that I wouldn't mind help, I bitch enough when it isn't there don't I?? Contradiction in terms you say? Ah fuck you! Well, no, but like I don't know this? I'm allowed to be dammit! A girl wants it a certain way, she can hold to her standards can't she?
GOD.. I just don't want to be alone anymore..
Work is.. work.
If I manage to get in ontime I will be shocked, at the moment none of my supervisors had said something but I know they want to. I'm just glad they haven't. In the mean time I am staring at the couch I'm currently perched on. There is about three loads of laundry waiting for me to fold them. I should. There's probably about 8 buckets of clothes that need to be sorted, folded or thrown out from upstairs, and I'm STILL not done getting the kids their summer clothes. Then abby and her school clothes?? OMG.. if I actually DID something I might get through it, but.. well, I either spend too much time online or not enough time at home. Ahh, maybe if I can convince my sibling to do it for me? Money makes the world go round right!
On another note, my brother is in Afghanistan right now. He's doing okay, especially since I can now talk to him while he's on yahoo messenger. He's doing some personal stuff too but that's none of mah business.. cause well, those in glass houses don't throw stones right? Not that my personal life is anything to leer over. Hello, no sex in over 14 months? The last time did not end well, nor was it on good terms. Having sex because you -think- your going to get back together makes for bitter bed mates. However, I suppose I'll live.
It can be a bit frustrating, to want what you can't have. What you wish for, you know your just overstepping the lines - and being online as much as I am, well, I guess the lines get blurred. I don't want someone to think I love them more than how a friend loves a friend, but in the same respect, I don't want to lose myself in a seductive conversation that might lead nowhere.
It's fun to dream though, and the temptation is there to get lost, if not for a bit in a good fantasy. Even if it does touch on real emotions, or real feelings, and real people. I just have to be careful. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to be hurt.
No one wants to be hurt, it's scarring, debilitating. I still can't over my own physical appearance, you know what it feels like to be a big girl to begin with, and then suddenly there's shit hanging.. and not like the end of an unfinished conversation! I mean, FUCK those are supposed to be looking all depressed at my age! No fucking way!! Although, I'm sure if i actually signed up for the gym that might fix that.. but.. once more motivation is lacking. Oi, ok, fine, that's my own fault. Heh. I'll get there...........eventually.
Of course, physical appearance aside, I do rock. Let's not get too hung up about it, until I want to get naked with a man and have wild passionate sex. Then I might have a problem. Hello, no lights please?! Let my mouth do the talking and let's just keep my big fat ass out of the deal, k? Close your eyes and pretend if you have to! Well, no, you better not be thinking of someone else dammit!...
See? Nucking Futz.
Like maybe one day I'll find someone who just wants to indulge my need to blab alot, and my need to tease, love, be loved and sometimes to be left the fuck alone. Yes, in person I do like to do things myself alot. Or, maybe that is conditioning. You know you do stuff yourself for too long and you get used to it - anything outside the norm, is just.. wierd.
Not that I wouldn't mind help, I bitch enough when it isn't there don't I?? Contradiction in terms you say? Ah fuck you! Well, no, but like I don't know this? I'm allowed to be dammit! A girl wants it a certain way, she can hold to her standards can't she?
GOD.. I just don't want to be alone anymore..
Friday, April 25, 2008
How to Bake a Daffodil Cake
from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit
Nothing says spring better than a freshly baked Daffodil cake. This is an old time recipe which features a yellow and white cake. Pretty enough for any spring dessert.
Ingredients
Cake
- 1 cup cake flour
- 6 tablespoons sugar
- 12 egg whites
- 1 1/2 teaspoons cream of tartar
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 3/4 cup sugar
- 6 egg yolks
- 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
- 1/2 teaspoon almond flavoring (extract)
Glaze
- 1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
- 2 tablespoons butter, softened
- 1 drop yellow food coloring
Steps
Cake
- Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.
- Whisk together flour and sugar.
- Beat egg whites, cream of tartar and salt until foamy.
- Add 3/4 cup sugar, a bit at a time, and beat until stiff peaks form.
- Beat egg yolks until thick and lemon colored in another mixing bowl.
- Gently fold into egg white mixture.
- Sprinkle flour mixture, about a 1/4 cup at a time, over egg white mixture.
- Fold in gently.
- Repeat until all the flour mixture is folded into the egg whites.
- Pour half of the egg white mixture into another mixing bowl.
- Gently fold in egg yolks into the egg white mixture.
- Spoon yellow and white batters alternately into a 10 x 4-inch tube pan.
- Gently cut through the batter to make a swirled effect.
- Bake 40 minutes or until cake tests done.
- Invert the pan and cool.
- Glaze with Creamy Glaze.
Creamy Glaze
- Mix together the powdered sugar, butter, almond flavoring and hot water until smooth.
- Drizzle glaze over cool cake.
- Serve.
Things You'll Need
- Mixer
- Mixing bowls
- Measuring cups
- Measuring spoons
- Tube Pan
- Oven Mitts
Related wikiHows
- How to Bake an Angel Food Cake
- How to Make German Gold Pound Cake
- How to Make Sponge Cake
- How to Bake a Pound Cake
- How to Make a Spongy Chocolate Cake
- How to Understand and Use Basic Cooking Terms and Skills
Sources and Citations
- Adapted from an old Betty Crocker recipe.
Article provided by wikiHow, a collaborative writing project to build the world's largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Bake a Daffodil Cake. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
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