Thinking..

Would you be uncomfortable if I said I love you?
Would you look away if I said, I wanted you to say it back?
Is it selfish to want it, but unable to give anything more than what we have.
Is it selfish to need it, and become possessive and jealous of those you've give it to?
I want to tell you, I can't.
I don't think you'd like it if I did.
I don't think they would either.
Not alot of time
Not alot of reserves.
It hurts sometimes, to know it, but not to aknowledge it.
I'm an inevitable self-destructive machine.
Loving myself, but never liking what I see.
I need sometimes the assurance of those words;
yet crave always the assurance of those hands.
I can't have it I suppose.
Not enough time.
Not enough reserves.
Wish I could.
Wish You could.
I guess I'll just have to wonder for now..

Eww

I feel like my head is going to float away --- SO stuffed up.. Omg.. just let me die now..
Chuck decided that he was going to deduct the cost of paying my mom for Abby's cheerleading fee's, plus the cost of three outfits he bought, from our agreed upon child support. Now, $50 biweekly is not alot for one child, and I usually depend on that for bills or gas money to get back and forth to work and daycare. Then, NOW, he says he feels guilty? Oh please, give me a break

Hump Day

It's hump day, have you humped a friend lately?

I had to go an 'all hands' meeting' for work. Yay! I got to sit in a chair and balance a bad cup of coffee with a stale danish while we talked about EBITA and revenue and projected growth. I'm all for growth, but YAWN.

Anyways. I was online last night talking with a super-oober good friend, and I was looking at these incredible hot, incredibly artistic and beautiful pictures on this blog. It's called debauchette, and I will eventually add the link in here. She's wicked cool, a courtesan in London I believe, and a fabulous writer.

I will need to add that link, I just have to share.

Meanwhile, I'm a bit busy, more work :) and some stuff I promised I would do. Have to do what I promised to do, or else why promise at all? Chuck get's the kids tonight, so I am going to be looking into getting the house in order and maybe plan some weekend activities, other than what is already planned.

More

My rant on lonliness prompted me to check on Michael's myspace page. He hasn't logged in since october of 2007. I hope he's doing well. I really screwed that up.. didn't I?

Yeah, go me..

I am.. in limbo, I suppose. Right about now school has finished, and YAY I have a 98%, which brings my GPA up to 3.8.

Work is.. work.

If I manage to get in ontime I will be shocked, at the moment none of my supervisors had said something but I know they want to. I'm just glad they haven't. In the mean time I am staring at the couch I'm currently perched on. There is about three loads of laundry waiting for me to fold them. I should. There's probably about 8 buckets of clothes that need to be sorted, folded or thrown out from upstairs, and I'm STILL not done getting the kids their summer clothes. Then abby and her school clothes?? OMG.. if I actually DID something I might get through it, but.. well, I either spend too much time online or not enough time at home. Ahh, maybe if I can convince my sibling to do it for me? Money makes the world go round right!

On another note, my brother is in Afghanistan right now. He's doing okay, especially since I can now talk to him while he's on yahoo messenger. He's doing some personal stuff too but that's none of mah business.. cause well, those in glass houses don't throw stones right? Not that my personal life is anything to leer over. Hello, no sex in over 14 months? The last time did not end well, nor was it on good terms. Having sex because you -think- your going to get back together makes for bitter bed mates. However, I suppose I'll live.

It can be a bit frustrating, to want what you can't have. What you wish for, you know your just overstepping the lines - and being online as much as I am, well, I guess the lines get blurred. I don't want someone to think I love them more than how a friend loves a friend, but in the same respect, I don't want to lose myself in a seductive conversation that might lead nowhere.
It's fun to dream though, and the temptation is there to get lost, if not for a bit in a good fantasy. Even if it does touch on real emotions, or real feelings, and real people. I just have to be careful. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to be hurt.

No one wants to be hurt, it's scarring, debilitating. I still can't over my own physical appearance, you know what it feels like to be a big girl to begin with, and then suddenly there's shit hanging.. and not like the end of an unfinished conversation! I mean, FUCK those are supposed to be looking all depressed at my age! No fucking way!! Although, I'm sure if i actually signed up for the gym that might fix that.. but.. once more motivation is lacking. Oi, ok, fine, that's my own fault. Heh. I'll get there...........eventually.

Of course, physical appearance aside, I do rock. Let's not get too hung up about it, until I want to get naked with a man and have wild passionate sex. Then I might have a problem. Hello, no lights please?! Let my mouth do the talking and let's just keep my big fat ass out of the deal, k? Close your eyes and pretend if you have to! Well, no, you better not be thinking of someone else dammit!...

See? Nucking Futz.

Like maybe one day I'll find someone who just wants to indulge my need to blab alot, and my need to tease, love, be loved and sometimes to be left the fuck alone. Yes, in person I do like to do things myself alot. Or, maybe that is conditioning. You know you do stuff yourself for too long and you get used to it - anything outside the norm, is just.. wierd.

Not that I wouldn't mind help, I bitch enough when it isn't there don't I?? Contradiction in terms you say? Ah fuck you! Well, no, but like I don't know this? I'm allowed to be dammit! A girl wants it a certain way, she can hold to her standards can't she?

GOD.. I just don't want to be alone anymore..

How to Bake a Daffodil Cake

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Nothing says spring better than a freshly baked Daffodil cake. This is an old time recipe which features a yellow and white cake. Pretty enough for any spring dessert.

Ingredients

Cake

• 1 cup cake flour
  
• 6 tablespoons sugar
  
• 12 egg whites
  
• 1 1/2 teaspoons cream of tartar
  
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
  
• 3/4 cup sugar
  
• 6 egg yolks
  
• 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
  
• 1/2 teaspoon almond flavoring (extract)
  

Glaze

• 1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
  
• 2 tablespoons butter, softened
  
• 1 drop yellow food coloring
  

Steps

Cake

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.
   
2. Whisk together flour and sugar.
   
3. Beat egg whites, cream of tartar and salt until foamy.
   
4. Add 3/4 cup sugar, a bit at a time, and beat until stiff peaks form.
   
5. Beat egg yolks until thick and lemon colored in another mixing bowl.
   
6. Gently fold into egg white mixture.
   
7. Sprinkle flour mixture, about a 1/4 cup at a time, over egg white mixture.
   
8. Fold in gently.
   
9. Repeat until all the flour mixture is folded into the egg whites.
   
10. Pour half of the egg white mixture into another mixing bowl.
    
11. Gently fold in egg yolks into the egg white mixture.
    
12. Spoon yellow and white batters alternately into a 10 x 4-inch tube pan.
    
13. Gently cut through the batter to make a swirled effect.
    
14. Bake 40 minutes or until cake tests done.
    
15. Invert the pan and cool.
    
16. Glaze with Creamy Glaze.
    

Creamy Glaze

1. Mix together the powdered sugar, butter, almond flavoring and hot water until smooth.
   
2. Drizzle glaze over cool cake.
   
3. Serve.
   

Things You'll Need

• Mixer
  
• Mixing bowls
  
• Measuring cups
  
• Measuring spoons
  
• Tube Pan
  
• Oven Mitts
  

Related wikiHows

• How to Bake an Angel Food Cake
  
• How to Make German Gold Pound Cake
  
• How to Make Sponge Cake
  
• How to Bake a Pound Cake
  
• How to Make a Spongy Chocolate Cake
  
• How to Understand and Use Basic Cooking Terms and Skills
  

Sources and Citations

• Adapted from an old Betty Crocker recipe.
  

Article provided by wikiHow, a collaborative writing project to build the world's largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Bake a Daffodil Cake. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

OMG! THAT WASN'T TUNA!

Silly Kitty....

see more crazy cat pics

see more crazy cat pics

Dream

Wierd dream last night, so I have to write it down.

I was in our old house the one on union street with the concrete back yard. I was sitting on our long green brocade couch, naked from the waist up BUT! I was leaning down on my chest with my arms folded underneath. There was a man I've never met stroking my back, like a cat, and playing on the internet on my laptop. I knew my mom and the kids were somewhere in my peripheral, so it couldn't go anywhere then where it was already.

I was content, my skin was soft, and either I wasn't worried about the usual hang ups about my breasts and tummy or I didn't care. It was good.

So onward right, there is this mystery guy, I don't know who he is, but apparently I feel a great deal about him. Fast forward, I'm standing infront of a motel, it's night and it's raining, I'm looking at this place with a desponant attitude and my older sister (Surprise!) is coming out with the room key. Though in the dream specifics aren't said; I got the impression that I was going to be sleeping here as a sort of vacation, to clear my head. That being said I went to open the front door of my room, and right across towards the back, where there was a back door entrance, HE opened the door, and stared at me with this wounded angry expression. I realized at this point I had been set up by my sister to get us in the same room.

Closing the door, I ran around to the back of the motel building, where he was already getting into his van. My first thought was "I didn't think he had a license for here." My second thought was, "damn." So I trudged back into my room, content to waste the night with beer and broken cable - when something caught my attention, fragmented, moving back to the door, I opened it and looked into the hallway.

There he was again. He was tall, with light hair cut short, he wasn't as muscular as I would imagine someone so tall being, but he still was pretty trim, if not a bit wet and scruffy. He sneered at me, and I turned my head away, ashamed, only to glance into the withered eyes of an older man. He reminded me of the old Pimp Don from Kill Bill 2 from South America, and immediately I stepped back. He said he had been told I had been a bad girl, and that I wasn't worth the young man's trouble.

I closed the door, but watched as my mystery man went into the room next door. I wanted to tell him, "It wasn't what you thought, and I don't deserve your anger." However like most relationships I tend to cower, run, or become self destructive of any happiness I might want to have. So I closed the door, and curled up on my bed, content to let depression set in.

Cut forward, it's still raining, and someone is trying to get in to my room. I think it's the old man, or one of his goons, undoubtedly hoping to sell me off to a Mexican whorehouse. Getting up I hear a scuffle, and being that this is a dream, I'm thoroughly prepared to defend myself and high tail it out of there - but wait! My mystery man is coming to my rescue, and he stares at me afterwards as though he's not quite sure what to believe or what to do.

Apparently he had decided that I was worth something to him, because the next instant later we're embracing and on the bed. I can't get into specifics, well, maybe a bit, but it ended in the lotus position (so romantic) and soft little bites on the neck. Well, the rest unfortunately is left to the imagination and the interuption of morning and real life. :)

Uber Cuteness!

Breaking Ben Lead Singer.. Like.. THERE

OMG, like, I'm literally 500 feet from the lead singer of Breaking Benjamin. The rock station I listen to. 97.9X is letting Ben 'take over' for like an hour of on air. So, since my work place is neighbors with the station, I can literally look over and MAYBE see like a head or torso, maybe. Depends on where the entrance is. Could I jeopardize my job and hop over to try a better peak? Maybe.. but I won't. *le sigh* You know he would just look at me in a Kiss me I'm Irish T-Shirt and swoon head over heels in love.

It could happen. SERIOUSLY.

Letters

Firstday - 3 - DarkHowl - 2286

To whom it concerns;

Today was the first day of the rest of my life. Though inconsequential those words may be; tis true. Today was the first day I entered into the Court of Ispin, though as a Bard's apprentice I have no true rank upon the courtiers, still, the sight that I beheld was as awe inspiring. Perhaps more so then the Courts of Verdspar itself! Though truth be told I've never been there.

It started with the usual fair, being shown my room - such a tiny little piece of heaven, though worn around the edges, sparse in it's decor. Still! It's all mine! Though you can't imagine the best part! There is a little window in this room, a window with a tiny sill, and tiny panes. It let's just enough light in when I am writing by the light of day, and can open to allow a warm breeze in when I imagine the weather for it. Does it not sound wonderful? No? Well, perhaps not, person I do not know, but if you happen to be looking out this tiny window, in my tiny section of heaven, you might see why this place holds a spot within such a celestial domain.

There, across the court yard and second balcony, fear not, you've not missed a thing. Now, see that window with the gilt edging? Those curtains that blow so merrily from it's inside? See? Yes, it is the frame of a most beautiful visage. One whose skin seems to radiate purity and light, soft as porcelin I can imagine, with lips full but not too full, and eyes like a summer sky.

His name is Roe, simple enough, but he is the son of the Grand Duke of this fair Court, the very monarch who sits upon it's thrown. The one for which my Master is employed and beholden too. I have to say, person for whom I do not know, his very mannerism takes my breath away. Such divine grace beheld in one elven man! It is unforgivable that one would not be a God onto himself.

Perhaps, though I get ahead of myself, for such obsession will surely not do me well. Let it be said, that I have taken to my studies quite well, and even my Master states my skill will soon out do his own. For this, I can only smile and bow my head, for surely, the Gods have looked down and blessed me, for surely that could be the only explanation of how I came to be here.

Sincerely,

Augustus "Fen" Le'roi

Airday - 2 - Icebreak - 2286

To whom it concerns;

I can not express the amount of joy my position as apprentice has brought me. Yes, it has been quite hard, but my Master, in his old age, has assured me that I will one day take his place as Court Bard. Not to mention as a son of a Courtier in my own right, he has suggested that I start looking to the future, and perhaps begin by building a solid relationship; a marriage that will cement my place within.

Though I know this needs to be done, I still can not dredge up the right amount of enthusiam for the task. Surely there are many beautiful females within the Court, and many seem to linger around me after a particular performance. There is one, a beautiful raven haired maiden, her name is Illisandra, and her voice is as sweet as what music I can surely produce from my instruments. Her father is a Baron, titled for sure, but not a coin to his name - a shame, for truelly she has become a good friend.

There is one reason why my affections have not turned so well, you see, every day I have the utmost pleasure of seeing him. Roe, most beloved of face and form. He speaks with me upon each performance, and I have often caught his eye upon me when I follow at the feet of my Master. He watches me when I dance, I know this to be fact, and there is that glitter in his eye that tells me, perhaps, that for once mine obsession is not as one sided as I had feared.

Still, he could know the depth of affection I have for him, not truelly, not when I gaze out from my little window each night just to catch sight of him. Even when he takes those lovers to his bed, I imagine, for once, that it would be me beneath him. Running my hands through that glorious mane of silken hair, kissing those ripe plums that were his lips. It delights me, and horrifies me, to no end on what scenes I have concocted for just the two of us. Some most depraved, and yet others sweet as they were soft and inviting. Oh Gods, would I have such heaven in mine arms!

Sincerely,

Augustus "Fen" Le'roi



Lasday - 4 - Steelrule- 2286

to mine beloved; whose hands hold mine heart, though he may never know.

Silken whispers of thine words;
embolden hearts with thoughts unsaid.
Upon such sweetened lips, mine kiss,
mine hands, mine touch would part,
to bring seed to these wants, to this form.
flowing, such rich tapestry of words upon your skin,
touching upon those shadows of love's deeper sin.
Could I sin, to be that shadow on your flesh,
to be that hand upon your brow, to be those lips upon your lids.
hearing, such moans of lovers movement, gleaming
in the moonlight, upon rounded limbs of sinners own.
What could I do, to make you see these things,
within mine eyes, within mine soul that your gaze has touched.
agony, to see thine love wilt in these shadows,
to see your hands on silken flesh not mine own!
Such agony, for this love does cleave deep,
penetrating those other senses,
addicting as touch itself, as kiss itself would be.
In betrayal, would you turn against me,
let lovers kiss wilt, like those roses torn upon their thorns.
unbridled lust gives into this aching want,
to see you, to need you, to forget those words,
truth spoken in unkind, anchored in thine vengefull rage.
Oh but if that was passion still for me,
against me, in me, lovers embrace that could not be ripped!
Truelly I would be such boastful swain!



Fireday - 1 - Gaea's Rest - 2286
To mine beloved;

I have decided, from now on, these letters will be personally addressed to you, mine beloved Roe. Tonight, we slipped, unseen into the gardens during the masked ball. I will never forget how the silk of your major domo costume conformed to such sleek limbs. The way the mask drew attention to lips tainted by the very sin of unknowing their true softness - but AH I did learn! Didn't I? How we embraced and laughed, free of things better left unsaid. Your hand wandering upon by back, pulling me tight into that lean frame of yours as our lips met in heavenly clash. It took great liberties, indeed, it stole my very breath with each sordid little whisper you murmured into my ear.

I couldn't image that you had harboed such feelings for me - ME! - so far beneath your station, one would wonder as to the shock of it. I do not care, however, no, not when our bodies danced in a rhythm all our own. Do you remember lover, how my hand slipped beneath your costume's trouser, how it stroked upon your flesh.. caressing that muscular thigh. We danced into the thistles and rose bushes; their smell intoxicating, their thorns felt not for that which would writher in delight beneath! The very sounds you made could make me drunk for hours, when caressing lips slipped upon the exposed region of thine delightful stomach.. to the smooth masculine appeal of one carved hip, sipping from the stem of your seed. Each moan illicited was a musical note to these ears, brought forth with each thick piston of your cock into the warm cavity of mine mouth. I know you to feel the same, far too soon your seed gifted itself upon my lips and tongue, swallowed as divine nectar until I could lick clean the proof of our love.

We were split apart too soon, I fear, for there was no time for parting words, or avowels of love - but I understand if it perhaps is far too fast for you lover. I understand, and cherish the time we have spent together, our own secret, held against mine heart.

Yours,
Fen.


Firstday - 4 - Frostspear - 2286

To my beloved Roe;

I can not help but bemoan the lack of time we have together these past few weeks. It seems the very nature of the Gods has swept in to keep both of us busy. I can not say I blame you for those dispassionate looks you have given me, indeed, they make me shudder to mine core and wish I could simply throw myself upon you! I see your political ambition has finally taken root, and to this I heartily cheer! Mine Noble lover shall be a great and powerful head within this Court, and no elf or man shall be able to corrupt his most awe inspiring power.

My own ambitions have to a beautiful fruition, for I have been given a boon from my Master and lifted to the rank of Journeyman Bard. Very soon, I shall be gifted the title of Master, I can feel it. In other news, I have decided not to marry.. Illisandra is beautiful, but, she does not move me, not as you move me. I'm afraid I might have been quite forceful the other night, when she threw herself upon me and tried to seduce me. Though for sure, mine thoughts and passions can only be stirred by you! I said as much, without giving names. She stormed away, telling me I would rue the day - for sure that I would be threatened by some chit! Still, I will miss her friendship, for surely it was one of confidence and trust.

When will we have time for us lover? When can I feel your arms again? That slip fo thickness against the cleft of my bottom, those sinful kisses and lust filled moans. I say they are addicting! Not something to be taken away in all haste! Ah, but soon my love, we will shall find the time we need, until then, know when I dance, it is for you alone, when I sing, when I play.. everything, mine heart poured into, is for you.

Truelly Yours,
Fen.

Airday - 3 - Wolfmoon - 2287

Roe;

Today is the singular most black day of mine life. My own Master, dead, so young to have been taken by such unexpected strife, and now they look to me to fill his shoes. It could not be worse, but OH it was! To hear of your planned nuptials! To Illisandra! How could this not be known by me? How could this simply not slip past your lips that murmured such of my own nimble skills? Strike my own heart! Find me dead! For surely that is what you have done!

Fen.

-- too be continued ---

Poetry

This is from a current story in the works, about a man and his Noble lover:

Silken whispers of thine words;
embolden hearts with thoughts unsaid.
Upon such sweetened lips, mine kiss,
mine hands, mine touch would part,
to bring seed to these wants, to this form.
flowing, such rich tapestry of words upon your skin,
touching upon those shadows of love's deeper sin.
Could I sin, to be that shadow on your flesh,
to be that hand upon your brow, to be those lips upon your lids.
hearing, such moans of lovers movement, gleaming
in the moonlight, upon rounded limbs of sinners own.
What could I do, to make you see these things,
within mine eyes, within mine soul that your gaze has touched.
agony, to see thine love wilt in these shadows,
to see your hands on silken flesh not mine own!
Such agony, for this love does cleave deep,
penetrating those other senses,
addicting as touch itself, as kiss itself would be.
In betrayal, would you turn against me,
let lovers kiss wilt, like those roses torn upon their thorns.
unbridled lust gives into this aching want,
to see you, to need you, to forget those words,
truth spoken in unkind, anchored in thine vengefull rage.
Oh but if that was passion still for me,
against me, in me, lovers embrace that could not be ripped!
Truelly I would be such boastful swain!

Spank Me!

Penitence

In the vast and open night,
you've cut open these old wounds of mine.
Unconsciounable fear makes you weep,
as blood soaks the yellowed floors.

Have you heard what I said?
Does this act make you whole?
Torn from my lips and casted against me,
you do not seem to hear.

The morrow will bring a plea,
of unneeded words of consolation.
Though it remains my retribution
to keep my blood soaked fingers on your lips,
to stave the sorrow and the remorse,
of acts done in unkind.

Malice gives heed to your moods,
dearest cold-minded love,
as you sink softly into your penance,
of sweetly whispered words

Breaking the Silence

It is hard to write this,
but there are things that have to be said.
In waning hours I wrote this,
since tonight this remains an empty bed.

I cannot sleep,
I cannot eat,
I cannot function, so it seems.

Things are tied upon my tongue,
Things I'd rather have undone.

These are not your words I speak,
These are the choices that I seek.

I cannot hear it anymore,
I cannot see you as before.
I cannot function, so it seems.

Your image has dissolved before me,
Your face no longer holds it's truth.
Your lips no longer spill it's love,
Your words seem bitter and unproved.

It's hard to write this,
for there are things that need to be said.
In the waning hours I wrote this,
for tonight it seems, I've an empty bed

Poem; again

dredging up some old poems to post here;

Twilight

It's twilight
the morning before you leave
I'm waiting,
for the words expected of me.

Forget this,
as skin touches skin again.
Remember now,
when hearts beat a joyful sound.

Would you?
Tell them all to go.
Could I?
Believe it lasted more.

Troubled thoughts,
forgotten in passions bliss.
All broken,
as sunlight strikes the kiss.

Twilight,
the morning before you leave