I am.. in limbo, I suppose. Right about now school has finished, and YAY I have a 98%, which brings my GPA up to 3.8.

Work is.. work.

If I manage to get in ontime I will be shocked, at the moment none of my supervisors had said something but I know they want to. I'm just glad they haven't. In the mean time I am staring at the couch I'm currently perched on. There is about three loads of laundry waiting for me to fold them. I should. There's probably about 8 buckets of clothes that need to be sorted, folded or thrown out from upstairs, and I'm STILL not done getting the kids their summer clothes. Then abby and her school clothes?? OMG.. if I actually DID something I might get through it, but.. well, I either spend too much time online or not enough time at home. Ahh, maybe if I can convince my sibling to do it for me? Money makes the world go round right!

On another note, my brother is in Afghanistan right now. He's doing okay, especially since I can now talk to him while he's on yahoo messenger. He's doing some personal stuff too but that's none of mah business.. cause well, those in glass houses don't throw stones right? Not that my personal life is anything to leer over. Hello, no sex in over 14 months? The last time did not end well, nor was it on good terms. Having sex because you -think- your going to get back together makes for bitter bed mates. However, I suppose I'll live.

It can be a bit frustrating, to want what you can't have. What you wish for, you know your just overstepping the lines - and being online as much as I am, well, I guess the lines get blurred. I don't want someone to think I love them more than how a friend loves a friend, but in the same respect, I don't want to lose myself in a seductive conversation that might lead nowhere.
It's fun to dream though, and the temptation is there to get lost, if not for a bit in a good fantasy. Even if it does touch on real emotions, or real feelings, and real people. I just have to be careful. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to be hurt.

No one wants to be hurt, it's scarring, debilitating. I still can't over my own physical appearance, you know what it feels like to be a big girl to begin with, and then suddenly there's shit hanging.. and not like the end of an unfinished conversation! I mean, FUCK those are supposed to be looking all depressed at my age! No fucking way!! Although, I'm sure if i actually signed up for the gym that might fix that.. but.. once more motivation is lacking. Oi, ok, fine, that's my own fault. Heh. I'll get there...........eventually.

Of course, physical appearance aside, I do rock. Let's not get too hung up about it, until I want to get naked with a man and have wild passionate sex. Then I might have a problem. Hello, no lights please?! Let my mouth do the talking and let's just keep my big fat ass out of the deal, k? Close your eyes and pretend if you have to! Well, no, you better not be thinking of someone else dammit!...

See? Nucking Futz.

Like maybe one day I'll find someone who just wants to indulge my need to blab alot, and my need to tease, love, be loved and sometimes to be left the fuck alone. Yes, in person I do like to do things myself alot. Or, maybe that is conditioning. You know you do stuff yourself for too long and you get used to it - anything outside the norm, is just.. wierd.

Not that I wouldn't mind help, I bitch enough when it isn't there don't I?? Contradiction in terms you say? Ah fuck you! Well, no, but like I don't know this? I'm allowed to be dammit! A girl wants it a certain way, she can hold to her standards can't she?

GOD.. I just don't want to be alone anymore..